White Comedy

If black comedy is defined as the creation of something funny from a tragic situation, then white comedy should be defined as the making fun of the tragic situation called Being White.

You may say to yourself: Catherine, YOU are white! Well, aren’t you cute. No, I am not white, even though my skin is pale and my last name is Winchild. But I understand the confusion. Today, we’re going to clear up what it means to be white. Lets go!

I first want to separate white from pasty white. Pasty white is what you get when you grow up inside a church and head up the American Family Institute for Freedom from Being Leashed by the Federal Government to Communism. Or something like that. That is not white. That is just scary.

To additionally clarify: Stepford wives are in fact white people, but not all white people are Stepford Wives.

And lastly, this post should not be confused with the What White People Like blog. This is about what white people are like, not what they like. Plus, that blog is just another thing written by a white guy, just like The Simpsons and The Onion, and I’m bored of all that.

This is just a PICTURE of white people and it makes me nervous.

Okay, being white. Sail boats and yacht clubs help, but are not definitive. If you add matching light blue Izod shirts to all of your male, tow-headed children and take a family photo in front of the yacht club cannon in August after drinking a vat of gin and tonics and you know full well that the photo will be your Christmas card, well, then that would be white.

Living in a town like Swankington is pretty white, but it’s only really white if you moved here because you’re happy there are so few minorities and it pisses you off that there are Asian families in your elementary school district.

If you belong to a country club, that can be white, but, it’s better if the country club does not allow in people who are Jewish or have dark skin and if this “policy” is referred to privately as, “Don’t worry! We don’t allow Jews or blacks in.” That is really white.

This may be time for a digression about people who are Jewish. People who are Jewish are not white, no matter how preppy they dress or how many sailboats they own or country clubs or yacht clubs they join. Why? That’s just the rule. It was started by Joel on Northern Exposure, and television pretty much shaped my world view, so there’s nothing you can do about it.

You come close to being white if you own a Land or Range Rover (non-whites don’t even know the difference!), but you seal the deal if you talk to the working class like they’re dirt, teach your children to talk to the working class like they’re dirt and have your maids serve cheese puffs at your children’s birthday parties in a real silver bowl. These things don’t just make you white, they also make you an asshole.

So, you see, being white is the combination of many factors, but there are a couple of things that automatically — by themselves — qualify you for whiteness:

  • Wearing a jumper dress with a turtle neck underneath.
  • Having a top notch education from a fully-paid-for private school and college and then using most of your intelligence to win at Trivial Pursuit and the rest to worry that your nanny will tell your friends that you have moths in your cereal boxes.

You are automatically not white if you’ve ever enjoyed anything low brow. Low brow things include cooking with Mrs. Dash spices; shopping at Sears (even the Land’s End section); or bleaching your own hair. If you think these low brow-ish things only apply to me and that this is my way of making sure I’m not defined as a white person, you are correct! And also sound a LOT like that mean voice in my head.

Lastly, I’d like you to know that only adorable, ethnic-leaning people struggle with how to conclude their blog posts. The end!

5 thoughts on “White Comedy

  1. Wearing a jumper dress with a turtle neck underneath <—i did this in the early 90's and convinced myself i looked like a sexy amish. it was a short-sleeved turtleneck and there were darts in the bodice.

    I can't believe you have Mrs. Dash! You are so cool!

    So ghetto.

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