The Insecure Woman’s Guide to Living

One thing that’s always amazed me is how the most intelligent, gorgeous, funny and talented women can think the Absolute Worst things about themselves. (And how men who are complete dicks go around thinking how awesome they are. But that’s another blog.) That all being said, I gave up fighting my insecure perspective on myself years ago. Now I just make fun of it! Here is my bible on how to lead the Good Insecure Life.

  • After a GREAT therapy session, start to feel shitty about yourself five minutes after you leave.
  • If you meet someone for the first time at the playground and you think you’ve said something stupid  to them, perseverate about it for the rest of the day.
  • When thinking about a stupid thing you did three decades ago, get the shivers and feel like you’re going to vomit.
  • If someone says nothing in response to something you’ve said or done, be sure to think the other person doesn’t like what you’ve said or done, and possibly even hates you.
  • If you write something with a confident tone, worry all day that it was too confident.
  • Be concerned that you could be fired. From a volunteer job.
  • If you misspell a word or use incorrect grammar, take that embarrassment to your grave.
  • Always have your first, go-to thought be: Am I just annoying?
  • Try as hard as you can to get people who hate you to like you. Especially of the opposite sex.
  • Don’t ever look in a mirror without finding something wrong. Some suggestions: state of hair, wrinkles on forehead, thinness of lips, size of arms/thighs/stomach…fuck it; this list is too long.
  • Consider your most heartfelt hopes and dreams to be born from delusional fantasies.
  • When you publish a new post on your  blog, check your page view statistics constantly and when the numbers go up think, “I seriously can’t believe people read this.”
This is a picture of a guy who's a dick, but thinks he's All That.
This is a person who is adorable, but worries she's annoying. Also, where is that necklace?

15 thoughts on “The Insecure Woman’s Guide to Living

  1. can’t wait for the ‘men who think they’re All That’ post. thanks for letting me know i’m not alone.

  2. Oh how I love you sister … We all carry the woorisome insecure baggage … Just some are strong enough to admit it. Xoxo o

  3. I have a very good source that swears Rick Sanitorium bites his fingernails until they bleed and compulsively throws darts at a picture of himself after *every* interview.

  4. love this. always looking for famous beautiful or beautiful-ish people who have thin lips: helen hunt. alicia silverstone. tina fey? george w. bush + papa. (?)

  5. Thank God for insecure women without whom diffident men would never be able to have children who we hope will be so bored with their parents’ insecurity that they’ll find some other way to be neurotic.

  6. Oh my dear BFF…I don’t take NEARLY enough time to read your wonderful blog and leave witty comments. You make me laugh…miss you!!!

  7. Or you can be like me…don’t give a shit what anyone thinks and do your own thing. If people don’t like you…one less birthday card to send ; )

    You always bring sunshine to my day with your wit….

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