Republican Archetypes

As someone who hates talking politics, but loves posting original political jokes on Facebook, I’ve bumped up against a number of different Republican types who’ve responded to my hilarity. Let’s take a look at some of the archetypes!

The Really Smart Best Friend From High School Who Used to Vote Republican but Will Vote for Obama in 2012 and Sees The Republican Party as a Backward Thinking, Declining Dinosaur: This is my favorite Republican Archetype — The Former Republican! Please note: Really Smart.

The Socially Progressive Republican: These Republicans base their politics primarily on economic concerns and could give a rat’s ass if people who are gay get married. They also have no interest in legislation that forces a transvaginal probe up my vagina after I’ve been raped and my body has not naturally shut down to prevent pregnancy and in order to avoid any confusion, a probe is used to show that there’s a baby growing in my uterus when — in fact — I thought I was sporting a SEA MONKEY.

The Just Ignore Me Republican: These are people who agree with nothing I have to say, but have the amazing ability to simply ignore me. And I think we can all agree on how amazing it is that anyone can ignore me.

The Republican Who Completely Disagrees With What I Believe But Can Have a Back-and-Forth That Isn’t Funny But At Least Is Civil: Current archetype count: 1.

The Archetype for Adorable Liberal.

The Republican Buzz Kill: These are the people who will comment on one of my political jokes with a 9″-long, no-returns paragraph and whose comment I will “Like,” even though what I really mean is: Wow, I really didn’t like you in high school and I wish I’d remembered that when I went on my Facebook Friend-Adding Bender. These people will post their own political memes, links, etc. that are hate-filled and snide and you will feel nothing but relief when you discover they’ve unfriended you.  Also, you will never, ever, never go on a friend-adding bender again and sometimes small-mindedly think that bullying results in bitter Republicanism.

The Republican Male Who Riles Me: These are the males who comment but then never respond to me when I comment back. This irritates me to no end, but it’s okay, because in high school my friend’s mom explained that boys who try to rile me have crushes that they just can’t handle.

The Male Republican Douchebag: Been there.

The Teapublican: These guys say things like, “Don’t get all Occupy Wall Street on me.” They grow up in Fairfield County, but have accents like they’re from North Carolina. They’ve never had an original thought in their lives and believe in things like personhood; marriage for men and women only; and that poor people are inherently lazy. (But they don’t know the word inherently.) These guys suck so much they make Reagan look self-actualized. Thank goodness the current Republican Presidential and Vice Presidential candidates don’t kiss the white asses of this archetype. Oh….wait!

The Republican Who Is — I’m Sure — A Lovely Spouse and Parent But Lives in a LaLa Land That I Wish S/he’d Move To Instead of Running for Office and Trying to Turn this Country Back In To: Might I suggest…the Caymans?

LaLa Land.

Have fun!

6 thoughts on “Republican Archetypes

  1. Favorite part: SPORTING A SEAHORSE

    Favorite micro-part: SPORTING

    I am afraid to read the inverse of this piece and find that my Democrat archetype would be “THE DUMDUM: this person can’t discern satire about Mitt Romney from real news stories, and earnestly posts stupid anti-Republican things but interspersed with such excellent cooking, sad parenting, and knee sock links that I don’t want to unfriend her even though she is incredibly annoying.”

    1. hahaahahahahaa! Please don’t think of it as dum for being incapable of discerning satire about mitt romney from teh real deal. the entire candidate (outside his fathering and husbanding) IS satire.

      ps; your favorite part is my favorite part. :)

  2. I liked the link to the “D.” column, which unbelievably, I missed. (Jersey girls don’t often miss douchebag references.)

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