general humor

The War On Invisible Things

I’ve had one fuck of a fall. (Before I continue, I’d like to acknowledge that this post has been brewing for weeks and that I am not so emotionally delayed so as to NOT know that my fall is a helluvalot better than what’s been going on for others right now. That being said, comparing levels of discontent and then not talking about my own level because it is not as high as another person’s is never a strategy that’s worked well for me. If that works for you, please continue. If not, you suck. <— look at me being bitchy! I’ll continue…

I’ve had one fuck of a fall. My ulcerative colitis has continued to flare up since August, leaving me to eat only broiled hamburger, scrambled eggs, chicken, farmer’s cheese and pureed carrots. My daughter’s stomach has been a wreck since September and after numerous dietary changes, an upper endoscopy, and medication changes she continues to have issues. And then there’s the dog.

The dog has had fleas since July. (If you ask me if i give him Frontline ™, I will literally fucking pummel you.) The dog has fleas despite the house  being treated (yes, we used a professional); regular baths, including application of Advantage (the most toxic!); treatment of the yard (kills more than 20 bugs); and treatment of all the upholstery (I’ve never typed that word before) and treatment of the cars.

Every day I am called upon to vacuum. Do I vacuum dirt that I can see? Shedded dog hair that has tumbleweeded itself into a corner? No. I vacuum invisible things.

The “technical expert” from the bug place came with his fancy flashlight (my son bought one for $3 at his school’s father’s day sale), pointed its Incredibly Super Strong Light into my floorboards and told me he couldn’t see any fleas. The problem, however, is NOT the fleas, it’s the eggs and larvae. Well, Jeremy, can you see THOSE?? “No,” he said, “those are impossible to see.”


These are the invisible things I’m fighting. Magnified ONE GAGILLION TIMES.

So, there you have it. I go around vacuuming things that are IMPOSSIBLE TO SEE. On a daily basis. If you know me, then you know that I have a pretty high tolerance for uncleanliness. (If you think this is the reason we have fleas, I will literally fucking pummel you.) Now, when I say “high tolerance,” I mean I can let the crap that IS visible go all week, because I know I will be vacuuming at the end of the week (Vacuum Saturday!). So, this daily vacuuming makes my blood boil and solidifies my belief that the people who have NO tolerance for filth are the REAL nut jobs (the anger over who is judged as being crazy in this society — those with a high tolerance vs. those who have no tolerance for filth — FUELS my vacuuming).

Every day I turn my multi-colored dog over onto his back to reveal his white belly so I can start checking for fleas. ONE  DAY after the Technical Expert was here for his “post-flea-treatment consultation,” I found a flea. Sure, just one, but if you know the flea deal, you know that one means more and more means eggs and eggs mean thousands of more fleas.

Thus, my fall has basically come down to fighting things I cannot see — in my house and in the female family members’ stomachs — and losing the battle. The stress causes knots to form (great for the colitis!), making me sweat, swear and beg for the cold weather to stay to at least kill off the fleas for the season (if you don’t believe in global warming, I will literally fucking pummel you).

On the up side, every day I do a Pilates regimen for 45 minutes. I’m telling you this because if you were about to suggest I do some deep breathing, I will literally…

Categories: general humor

16 replies »

  1. It’s not just you!!! We are in the same boat as is our vet even they are bad this year!!!!!!! We are on a regimen of topical and comfortis every two weeks alternatively (phone tells me this is a word!) Also found this yummy smelling natural spray at style unleashed in town that is full of natural things that I swear make them unable to breathe as if i get a big in my face whiff I can barely! But think cloves, cinnamon and a few others mixed…yum but the vapors!!! Why are our guts sooo messed up!!! Will send you my chicken recipe! xo

  2. Having delt with 3 rounds of head lice and 2 rounds of strep ….. It’s the invisible things that will make you go bat shit crazy!!! Merry f-n Christmas, fleas are the gift that keep on giving. Generous little fuckers.

  3. Thank you for the reminder to never get fleas again. Moving heavy furniture to vacuum the perfectly clean space beneath it does feel terrible.

    Are you making fun of my Cetaphil lice beliefs?

    • no, your words about cetaphil CHANGED my life. i was a MESS — thinking lice lived in the upholstery and carpets. YOU SET ME STRAIGHT! now i’m lke an AMWAY salesman about the cetaphil thing.if you just type L-I, i would say, DO YOU HAVE LICE? YOU SHOULD TRY THE CETAPHIL THING!

      • Ok, I don’t know about cetaphil and lice. I have heard about listerine and lice. We actually ended up using a pesticide that they use in large doses on crops and give kids 10 eyes….but the lice is gone. How are the fleas?

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