Ahhhh, the Facebook “Like.” That little blue link that says so much and so nothing at the same time.
The word itself — like — is so completely inadequate. For example, in 7th grade, when you begin to like boys for the first time, you have to use the word twice to even imply your like, as in, “Do you like J.W. or do you like-like J.W.?” 
On Facebook, the “Like” has meant many things to me, including the standard “I like this.” For a while, though, clicking “Like” on a comment could mean, “I cannot believe I’m friends with your bitchy/douchebaggy self and this comment is such a buzz kill that I don’t even want to engage you while I’m making these hilarious political jokes on my own page, so I’m just going to click “Like” in the hopes that you’ll go away, but please know that this “Like” really means FUCK YOU.”
I stopped using “Like” for that purpose, because it seemed so passive-aggressive, when what I’m really shooting for is aggressive-aggressive.
When I click “Like” on a friend’s response, it can mean a whole host of things. Here is the definitive list:
- This is hysterical
- This is funny
- I’m laughing
- I’m smiling
- Thank you
- I’m sorry
- No way!
- I’m glad you wrote this
- I’m glad you LOL’d at my post
- I have now seen your comment
- I have nothing witty to add to your already witty comment
- I’ll watch this 3-minute video later, when I’m sure I’ll like it
- I have no idea what you’re talking about, but I’m too embarrassed to ask you to explain it, but I bet I’ll figure it out later, so I’ll click like now, so I don’t forget to acknowledge that I’ve seen this (also see: “I have now seen your comment”) and thank you (also see: “thank you”)
- I’m sick <—- Actually, I never click “Like” to imply that I’m sick. I’m sick right now and I just coughed a real phlegmy cough and wanted you to feel sorry for me.
 J.W. is not the first boy I liked, but the second. I cannot remember the name of the first boy I liked, possibly because he never talked to me. This was not because he didn’t like-like me, but because he was so shy that his best friend had to ask me out on his behalf. When we went on “dates,” we literally didn’t say a word to one another. [1i]
[1i] In case you’re wondering what I did on dates with a boyfriend I didn’t talk to, the answer is: play tennis and beat him. Also, go to a dance with him that his friends once again had to ask me to, and then talk to said friends for the entire evening. [1ii]
[1ii] In case you’re wondering why I went on dates with a boy who didn’t talk to me, the answer is: he was SUPER CUTE! And also, based on the caliber of what my future college boyfriends did say to me, the no-talking thing seems kinda dreamy now, and maybe I knew it would balance things out in the end. [1iii]
[1iii] In case you were wondering if there were going to be any more sub-footnotes, the answer is no.