Just thinking about the existence of The Rules makes me want to send those two authors to Las Vegas in the middle of the summer while 1,000 of the nation’s local radio DJs are in town for a conference and then force them all to attend a Cirque du Soleil show where one of the cast members is dressed in mime but talks to the audience in Quebecois all night.
I’ve created my own set of rules that will make you feel like 1970’s feminism and the Bionic Woman existed for a reason.
Un-Rule #A — Feel Free to Sleep with Guys on the First Date
Here’s what it says when a woman sleeps with a guy on their first date: Even though you’re dumb, I’m sleeping with you because your are ex-TREME-ly good looking. Also: sex feels good. I’m female, so I don’t know how to have sex with you and then not talk to you, so I’ll call you a few times, just to unconsciously push you away, and then I don’t have to do the dirty work of blowing you off.
Un-Rule #X — Most Guys are Douchebags
If you don’t enter the dating arena knowing that most guys are douchebags, then you might start to think that you are one of those women who likes men who hate you. Do not beat yourself up! This is a supply chain problem.
Men are mostly douchebags because they all just want to have sex. You know how you feel right before you’re about to eat an entire bag of Cadbury Mini Eggs ™? How you’re all, “I’M HUNGRY!!!!! Nothing bad happens when I eat 900 grams of sugar!!!! Eat crunchy thing now!!!!” Sex is basically guy chocolate. And guys will rationalize their bad behavior — declaring love, continuing to date you even when they don’t like you — just to sate their hunger. Douchebaggy? Yeah. Your self-esteem problem? Most definitely not!
Un-Rule 𝝅 — Like Yourself. A Lot. Possibly To the Point of Thinking You Might Be Conceited
Don’t worry! You won’t ever be considered conceited. American culture has taught you enough about how to hate yourself — your thighs, stomach, wrinkles, grey hairs, toe hair, mustache hair, leg hair, underarm hair, bra fat, calf fat, small breasts, uneven breasts, too large breasts, pointy-nipples-showing-through-t-shirt breasts, seriousness, humorlessness, not-as-funny-as-men-ness, meanness, bitchiness, slutty clothes, dowdy clothes, being too smart, being too dumb, being too ambitious, wearing too much makeup, wearing no makeup — that any way you can think of to like yourself will still only have the slightest affect on these messages.
Liking yourself to the point of borderline conceit is not really a dating rule, but a Good Life Rule. You’ll meet all sorts of great people this way. Why? Because when you really dig yourself, you #1. won’t put up with a lot of bullshit and #2. will end up attracting people who really like you. It’s a known fact* that people who only half-like themselves attract others who only half-like them. Who needs that? The extra bonus cool thing is that even if you feel lonely, you’ll at least be spending time with someone who thinks you’re Totally Freaking Awesome — You.
Un-Rule #2.49 — The Point is NOT to Meet Mr. Right
Let’s be clear here: the point of dating is NOT to get married. When you have marriage as your #1 goal, you are slapping decades of feminism in the face. Now, while Gloria Steinem probably could kick box your ass into oblivion, you generally do not want to punch a feminist in the jaw.
Making marriage the goal of dating is also very anti-zen. Who died and left me Thich Nhat Hanh? No one, and my god — you are a riot! Just replace the word “marriage” with the word “money,” as in: I’m dating so I can get money. Wow. That makes you sound like a hooker. That’s not really the point I was trying to make. I was trying to say: having an outside goal like marriage be the point of dating makes the whole process of dating horribly, inextricably unFUN.
So, get out there! Meet some interesting guys that you have zero chemistry with. Have a disappointing, miserable time dating the jerks. Sleep with the ones you’re attracted to. Go to some movies, eat some great food, have a few good coffees or drinks. Keep your standards high and your birth control in. Have some fun and maybe you’ll meet someone you’ll fall in love with and marry. Or maybe you won’t. Either way, you won’t be in Vegas with the authors of The Rules at a Cirque du Soleil show.
* “People who only half-like themselves attract others who only half-like them” is a fact from INSIDE MY HEAD.
Categories: funny feminism