It’s high school reunion time! I love this time of year. Why? Because I went to two different high schools and I’m informally known in certain circles as The Reunion Whore.
We women don’t really need a guide for going to our reunions, mostly because our guide has already been written. IN EACH AND EVERY ONE OF OUR HEADS. Our guide states: color the grey, exercise, and take massive doses of anti-anxiety meds before going. How to show up looking and feeling amazing is in our core.
The guys on the other hand? Well, I suppose the beer gut is sexy in cultures where food is scarce.
Seriously, the guys are UNRECOGNIZABLE. Fat and bald, and if they have hair, it’s completely grey. To see the cutest guy in high school with no hair is truly one of the most painful things I’ve ever had to witness. The sad thing is, those guys who were the cute ones in high school don’t even have decent personalities to fall back on.
Now, if you think this is just me taking all the hurt and lack of self-esteem that I’ve suffered at the hands of a culture that worships at the altar of thinness, beauty and football and TURNING that hurt on guys as a way to try and make them feel bad about themselves, you are sadly mistaken. Because — really — my goal here is to make guys feel TOTALLY FUCKING HORRIBLE ABOUT THEMSELVES.
Ohmygawd, don’t worry about the guys! Did you hear about the guy who felt bad about himself because of something a woman said or wrote? No? Hahahahahhaah! THAT’S BECAUSE THAT GUY DOESN’T EXIST! (For more information on guys, click here.)
Without further adieu, here is…
The High School Reunion Guide for Guys!
- Wear your name tag. We can barely tell who’s inside that body.
- DO NOT BRING YOUR WIFE. No one wants to party with your spouse, especially if you just met her last year. Online. Plus, we all just feel sorry for her, because we’ve known you since high school.
- Do not talk about your financial success. Ask a question. Oh, I’m sorry. Here is the Wikipedia definition of a question.
- If you are recently divorced, do not show up looking for your future wife. It’s creepy. And, again, we’ve known you since high school.
- If you’re a money manager of ANY kind, try to think of something you do outside of your job that you can share with your classmates. Anything. Please, for the love of all things good, do not make anyone else have to meet another money manager!
- Talk to the women you used to date ABOUT when you used to date. You’ll be amazed how much 25-year old bullshit can be cleared up in one, light reunion conversation.
- If you are married, do not fool around with the aforementioned high school girlfriend. (Don’t make me link you to the Wikipedia page on marriage.)
- Under no circumstances should you refer to the women in the classes above you as MILFs or talk to them while constantly staring at their breasts. Some of us know kickboxing. Parenthetically, when did my alma mater start letting THESE douchebags in?
- Mingle. This is a high school REUNION, not high school. All the people who hated you in high school will appreciate any earnest effort you make to connect. I’m sorry. This one is probably too hard. Never mind.
- Last, but not least, I recommend the Marczykian approach to reunion. Every chance you get, state how awesome the women look. Over and over. Here, try it with me: “The women look AMAZING!” Number one, you’re using the word “women” in stead of MILF. Way to go!! Number two, even though we’re mothers, writers, business owners, not-for-profit starters, college counselors, engineers, dancers, doctors, artists, and on, and on…we do appreciate when the hundred and thirty bucks we spent on our hair is recognized.
Have fun, guys!
Categories: funny feminism