Oh how I loved the 1970s! I know it was the decade of the AMC Pacer and all, but there was so much more!
In the 1970s, I was never afraid of a fruit or vegetable. Now? I’m absolutely petrified of non-organic apples. Why? Jason, Marty and Jennifer! Do you not read the memes about food in your Facebook feed?! Non-organic apples are a member of the notorious Dirty Dozen! For the love of all things good, (non-organic) KALE IS ON THE LIST!………………….KALE!!!!! In the 1970s, ANY fruit or vegetable you ate was good for you . If you were eating kale in the 1970s, you were a vegetarian massage therapist living off the land in the hills of California, not a toxin consumer!
What else was great about the 1970s? Well, you could get an abortion if you wanted one without some whack-a-doodle standing outside the clinic holding a poster board with a picture of an (actual) lentil-sized fetus blown up to look like the Staypuff Marshmallow man of babies.
In the seventies, feminism reigned supreme and infiltrated every part of our lives. When you’re 10 years old, that means there was a lot of feminism on television. Let’s count the female role models: Maude, Rhoda, Mary Tyler Moore, Wonder Woman, The Bionic Woman. As young girls, we believed we could do anything because of these women. The only strong woman I can think of on a show that my kids watch now is the mother on Duck Dynasty, which is great, because my daughter has been desperate to learn how to cook squirrel.
Oh! And please get me started on the “religious” “right.” Not only did they not exist in the 1970s, but religious people were actually religious. They practiced their beliefs in the privacy of their own homes, churches and synagogues and not — thank you very much — in the privacy of my noonie. Religious people took care of the most disenfranchised among us: the homeless, the homosexuals, the transvestites, the homeless homosexual transvestites. Now what do we get? Hateful words about homosexuals posted on tacky, plastic signs outside their churches. (Can we get some fancier signs for outside the churches, please? You’re not selling a fucking lunch special, you’re selling GOD. Please — wood, a little gold paint. Jesus was a carpenter, you know! NO PLASTIC!)
And — lest we not forget — there were the 1970s male republicans. Make no mistake, 1970s male republicans were still sort of sucky, as without them, the Stepford Wives would never have existed. But, politically speaking, male republicans weren’t such…what’s the word I’m looking for…complete fucking douchebags?
Now go out there and listen to some disco!
 Actually, we weren’t supposed to eat grapes.
Categories: funny feminism