The children in my daughter’s 4th grade class are tasting different types of apples on Thursday for a fall activity. Lovely enough, except that my daughter is allergic to apples. Am I going to send in PEARS instead? Of course I am. Would I prefer a ban on ALL foods — even “healthy” ones — in the classroom? Fuck, yeah. Her grade school principal had it right: there’s no need for food in the classroom for celebrations OR otherwise.
And while we’re on this topic, I don’t think there’s a need for crap made in China for classroom celebrations, either. Sing Happy Birthday. Let them wear a special crown all day and lead the lines to lunch and art/music/gym. Make it special, minus the pencil that is so shitty YOU CAN’T EVEN SHARPEN IT.
And while we’re on THAT TOPIC, I’d like to publicly shame the douchebags who gave out FULL SIZE candy bars this Halloween. Were you not popular enough in high school? Were you not able to binge drink your way through college? Did Playboy magazine turn you down for a photo shoot when they came calling at your “party school”? Was your husband’s fraternity shut down only once? IS YOUR RANGE ROVER NOT BIG ENOUGH?!?! What do you still need in your life in ORDER TO BE CONSIDERED COOL? The approval of ELEVEN YEAR OLDS?!?! Well, sorry, but my son didn’t even remember which houses gave out the full-size candy bars (I was collecting addresses for future egging).
What’s next? DONUT PARTIES?! <– Actually, yes! But don’t worry! Those are only for the middle school kids, for when — you know — their skin isn’t negatively affected by sugar intake. Welcome to the State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations Dunkin’ Donuts.