general humor

Me and Rachael Ray

Today I redeemed the 320 stickers I’d saved up to get my FREE Rachael Ray ™ dishes at Shaw’s grocery store. For those of you scoring at home, that means I’ve spent $3,200 at Shaws in the last 2.5 months. And that’s JUST at Shaw’s. That does not include anything I spent at Whole Foods, the quickest eighty bucks you’ll spend next to a hooker.

Cute, right?

Cute, right?

I thought it’d be pretty simple to get all the dishes once I’d saved up the required stamps: Pick out my stuff from the display; bring them to the check out line; cash register lady would count up my cards, with six free items per card; she’d make some type of mark on the used stamps so it was clear they’d been redeemed; then she’d count my dishes and off I’d go. Not so much.

First of all, even though I had two cards filled with EXACTLY the number of stamps for twelve free items, the cashier had to COUNT each of the free items per card. Then she just crossed out, with a huge X, all of the “used” stamps and recorded my free items at the bottom of the card.

Okay, but then after she’d counted all the free stuff I’d earned, she had to SCAN. Every. Single. One. Of the dishes and plates and bowls and mugs. (Did I mention there were a total of sixteen?) Right about now, I should probably also tell you that I was in the EXPRESS lane. On Patriots football day. With the game starting in about 10 minutes. So…

I promptly apologized to the guy behind me (who ELSE is in the EXPRESS lane on a SUNDAY besides a GUY buying a half dozen items to accompany his game?). I said to him something like, “I’m really sorry. I didn’t think this would take so long. AND I DEFINITELY HAVE MORE THAN TEN ITEMS! HAHAHHAHA” <Nervous laughter on my part.> Then, “I hate having more items than you’re supposed to in the EXPRESS lane. It gives me an anxiety attack. People in this town will kill you if you have too many items.” I didn’t really say that last sentence, because people in this town only assault you if you fuck with their deli line.

ANY-WHO…I apologized to said guy, the cashier continues her ENDLESS scanning, I bag my colorful take. Then the cashier has to scan some bar code to make each of the sixteen items free (they were worth $102, for those of you keeping track at home). To be clear, she does not scan the bar code in ONCE and then push in x16 on her keypad. She SCANS THE BARCODE SIXTEEN SEPARATE TIMES.

Okay, I think I’m good. Everything is free AND bagged, and then I ask the cashier if I can have my partially filled out card back, because it has about 10 UNredeemed stickers on it. (The Kid wants the olive oil dispenser.) That’s when she tells me, “I HAVE TO GIVE YOU A NEW CARD AND RESTICK ALL THE STAMPS THAT WEREN’T REDEEMED ONTO THE NEW CARD. ” Ruh roh.

I didn’t look at the line, because it was too much tension to bear, so I just watched her. Remove each sticker and REstick it onto the new card. And, BECAUSE THESE ARE STAMPS THAT STICK, that wasn’t happening so quickly.

FINALLY. Done. The cashier hands me my newly, painfully-stamped card, I look at the line — now about 8 GUYS deep — wave my new card up in the air and exclaim, “SORRY PEOPLE IN THE EXPRESS LANE!!!!!!!!” The guy who’d been right behind me smiles. I begin to crack up. My daughter starts to crack up. My son is MORTIFIED. We leave AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE.

This is what I waved in the air at ONE GAGIILLION Guys in the Express lane.

This is what I waved in the air at the  ONE GAGIILLION Guys in the Express lane.

EPILOGUE: When we got home, the game had already started.  Whoops!

Categories: general humor

12 replies »

  1. are you a blue? a red? surely not a lemon-lime. NOT ORANGE. what? and did you get the “garbage bowl”?

    the $4,000,000 you had to spend at shaw’s to get the dishes was worth it, if only for this story.

  2. Cashiers don’t make the silly rules. Which side of the checkstand would you prefer to be on? Yours or hers? Cashiers can scarcely wait ’til promos end.

  3. BTW: you can’t use stamps toward anything but the plates, bowls and cups. BUT your store might mark some of these items down, because they don’t move as fast. That’s what is happening here, because WalMa*t sells the identical items for the same price. Your math is sort of iffy here, as you began with 12 free items and end up with 16? There are actually people selling these stamps on eBay. Oh: one more thing about the cashier’s point of view: they have to explain moronic rules about what items don’t count toward stamps. In this state, Dairy does not count. No idea Why. They have to sign/circle the number of stamps issued each time, and if they give too many, too casually, surveillance cameras pick that up and they get chewed out. If they seem to have too many stamps of their own to redeem, they come under suspicion (because of eBay toads, etc.). When WA state passed laws allowing more booze to be sold here, our small local store created space for that, which is near enough to one entrance/exit that it has to be locked before dusk, because of underage kids stealing the booze. I was nearly knocked over by a rude kid on a skateboard, who had stolen booze right in the middle of a school day and just zipped away. He was hard-charging to Leave, and I could have been seriously injured. This drives prices up, but the employees, due to safety rules, are allowed to do almost Nothing to these people. I’ve also seen young so-called adults shopping and tripping on drugs at the same time, randomly cruising the store and saying the F word every time they get close to Normal people, which one evening actually came close to wiping out the entire Rachael Ray display in one fell swoop, because the young ‘lady’ could barely stand, let alone walk. The cashiers are rather powerless for those situations, too. If the law does next to nothing, the clowns Return, with Attitude. If cashiers didn’t have mortgages and kids to feed, they would definitely ‘shop’ for a better deal, but jobs being scarce, they might not find one. End of MY rant. And I don’t work for a grocery store, nor have family members who do. Peace to you and yours, fill those plates and cups with Christmas cheer, and Happy New Year.

  4. As your unofficial PR person, I’d love to leave a 4-page essay on your math, however, I don’t do math. Did you know you could buy more stamps on Ebay?? That way, next time, you could have 320 items in the 15-Or Less Line. Do we think all cashiers do drugs?

    Thank you for the snow on your page, It always makes me wonder if I’m about to have a stroke.

    I love your blog more than Rachel Ray’s dishes!

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