general humor

A Sad Description About My Cold Plus Other Things That May or May Not Make You Feel Sorry for Me

I’ve always been the kind of person who resents the fact that we are expected to FUNCTION with a cold. No matter how crappy I’ve felt in the last 47 years, I’ve gone to school, gone to work, done my taxes, etc. I know you’ve done the same.  First of all: THANKS, AMERICA! I’m sure the people in all the countries that the fancy Cadillac owner hates are enjoying some good convalescing during THEIR colds.

Ferris-Bueller

Ferris Bueller stayed home and he was only fake sick. I guess that’s one of the benefits of living in a 1980s John Hughes film.

The cold that I have right now is nothing more than a Standard Cold: congestion and coughing. I can’t sleep through the night and fondly look back on the days (last Wednesday) when I could breathe through my nose.

The ass-kicker for me is that with THIS cold, my lower back is in severe pain. Sooooo (now here’s the part where you’re REALLY gonna feel sorry for me), whenever I wake up in the middle of the night coughing, my back is sent into such a spasm, that I have to get up out of bed and bend over myself in order to minimize the pain.

Sometimes, it hurts so much, that I can’t fully cough, so I just do these sad ‘half’ coughs, which never quite release whatever it is that my body is trying to COUGH OUT, so I just keep on coughing and coughing.

If you think a cough hurts my back, then you should see me experience a sneeze. I popped my car out of gear the other day because the sneeze made my legs come up toward my body in a reflexive pain response, thereby releasing my left foot’s hold on the clutch. On a positive note, how cool is it that I found a STANDARD 2006 Volvo!?

Anyone looking for  good laugh might enjoy watching me get out of my car right now. The process involves placing my two legs carefully on the ground, pulling myself up with my car door and then balancing my upper body over my bent legs. I then start walking VERY slowly, eventually moving into a semi-normal gait.

ARE YOU FEELING SORRY FOR ME YET?

More? Okay, how about the fact that I’ve been taking honey for my cough, but my GI system has a difficult time digesting sugars, which in turn increases the unhealthy flora growing in my gut and other parts of my body, including my vagina, which is now screaming out in discomfort? DAMN IT! Now you just feel sorry for yourself.

All right. Carry on.

Your Brave Lil’ Soldier,
Catherine B. Winchild

 

Categories: general humor

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