Shopping for My Breasts

Those of you who know me well know that I’ve been bra shopping — on and off — for, like…I don’t know…the last year? Two years? It’s been so long, I’ve lost track.

Over those years I’ve had probably five packages containing 5-bras a piece delivered for in-home fittings. Trying them on at home was actually really nice, although I did miss the elder ladies from Vermont who used to fit me, bring me new sizes while I waited and fussed me until I had the perfect fit. But when you try on bras on in your own home, you can run up and down the stairs to test for hold.

The only thing I can surmise about this online bra company is that it has never actually SEEN a full coverage bra. I don’t GET the demi-cup. I’m buying a BRA, designed to hold, support, and — this is the important part — COVER MY BREASTS! I don’t want them PUSHED UP OUT OF THE BRA. This, friends, is the Victoria-Secreting of America.

The other thing I found funny about this company is that their (albeit, quite helpful) written materials for bra FIT, refer to breasts as SISTERS. What the WHAT? Is this company run by the cast of Sex and the City? Why are my breasts not just referred to as BREASTS??!??

The actual sisters.
The actual sisters.

The LAST time I bought bras, I don’t even think the t-shirt bra existed. Oh! You don’t know what a t-shirt bra is? It’s the bra that hides your nipples. I didn’t even know nipples were A PROBLEM. I really don’t care whether my — or your — nipples are visible under a t-shirt. Why? Because I am not an eighth-grade boy. Also, last I checked, nipples are PRETTY MUCH responsible for the human race. They don’t need to be hidden like a concealed weapon, only to be revealed when DANGER lurks.


So, I gave up on the home-delivery from Carrie Bradshaw and headed to my local Kohl’s (buy one, get one half off! 30% off coupon!). First, I prepared by family: I WON’T BE BACK FOR AT LEAST 2 HOURS. After trying on approximately 60 bras (full coverage, softest bra ever, fits you to a tee, size minimizing, lightest bra ever, firm hold, medium hold,…) I found three bras that fit me. Usually I buy three of the exact same bra, because once you find one that fits, you don’t wanna mess around. Unfortunately, a 34DD is no easy task to find at a Big Box Store, and it also seems like manufacturing in China is so inconsistent, that even when I did find two of the same bra in my size, one would fit well and the other wouldn’t. Trust me! I was there!!

When I got to the checkout, the cashier asked it I’d found everything I was looking for. I told her, “Yes, but it took me a LONG TIME to get to here.” What did she say back? “Oh, I HATE hate bra shopping!”

Do you know how often it is recommended that we buy new bras? Every six months. Ha! Hahahaha! HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA! This recommendation CLEARLY comes from the same people who say that if you are having digestive issues, you should keep a FOOD DIARY. Or the people who recommend drinking 8 cups of water every day. Or — better — the doctoring fellow who tells your 10-year-old daughter to IGNORE THE PAIN in her lower abdomen because she has Irritable Bowel Syndrome and there’s a brain-gut connection (true), so ignoring it will make the pain better. I think that doctor may have been responsible for my emotional upbringing.

Anyway, I got home and happily threw away my old bras (I only had two of the three remaining. The third one’s wire came poking out a LONG TIME ago). Those old bras weren’t even good enough for doubling up under my 10-year-old sports bra! (I bought a new sports bra, too). Frankly, I didn’t even know the elastic in a bra could disintegrate like that.  And my new bras feel GREAT! I look forward to getting dressed and to exercising. I even got one of those t-shirt bras because it was SO comfortable, so YOU ALL can look forward to THAT!

Have I learned my lesson? Will I shop more frequently for new bras in the name of spending a little money on myself and participating in an act of self care? Um…no. I’m just kinda hoping that hand-washing, rotating the wearing of and proper storage will keep these suckers going for another two — okay, three — years.

OH! And I didn’t even talk about THIS:


21 thoughts on “Shopping for My Breasts

  1. I didn’t talk to you about it in person because I didn’t want my spouse to have to publicly notice your bosom in front of me.

  2. I’ve also heard breasts referred to as the twins. Although mine are clearly not identical. However, fraternal doesn’t seem right either.

    1. hahhaa! THAT’S PERFECT! I think the ONLY identical twin breasts have got to be fakes. Thanks for reading!

      On Mon, Apr 21, 2014 at 12:11 PM, Writing Out Loud wrote:


  3. Hahahahaha….hahahaha…hahaha. Oh Cath….you made my day. Not that I want to laugh at your expense (well, at the expense of your breasts) but I did. I will try to never again complain about having to wear undershirts because most bras are too big for me….unless I want to shop in the Kohl’s children’s department and get a free One Direction t-shirt with a bra purchase.

    1. ha! I’m so glad ONE that you enjoyed this and TWO that it made you crack up! FACT: You would look AWESOME in a One Direction T.

      On Mon, Apr 21, 2014 at 2:25 PM, Writing Out Loud wrote:


  4. Ok. This is hysterical! And true! The “selfie” of your breasts is the best. It was made even funnier by the fact that I WENT BRA SHOPPING today too!! My regular tri-annual trip. For the first time in my life, rather than torturing myself through VS hell or Lane Bryant shame (the only place I could find my cup size until now), I hauled my butt to nordstrom for a proper fitting and I am a changed woman. I’ll never look back!
    Ps. I’m beginning to think we were separated at birth. :-)

  5. For a person who flings around a lot of Fucks, you are quite respectful of your breasts. Although they may not appreciate the outing of their asymmetry. My house full of 3 women and 1 man call ’em BOOBS. (We have a cat named Boo Boo that my girls – real children – not my boobs, now calls Boobie.) Bra shopping is the worst. I think they need to ditch cup sizes for the mature woman and use Short, Medium, Long, Extra Long, Hello Knees instead.

  6. okay, first I have to talk about the fact that I was trying to DELETE some garbage in this blog and PUBLISHED this (which came out a while ago) by mistake; although, i thought I’d published just some DRAFT NOTES. I am so confused.

    Now…bra shopping IS so ridiculous. these stupid things i bought 1 year ago already don’t fit correctly. This time I’m going to the place where the ladies FIT me and buy just 1 ONE GAGILLION dollar bra.

    We should invent something that’s sprayed on and then solidifies into a stretchy fabric that can then be removed and put back on daily.

    Thank for not knowing this was a huge mistake in publishing.

  7. ohmygawdness, you’re human! i didn’t know. A perk to being me is buying new bras every 6 months. :) I consider it a guilt free splurge. Now, if I could only send the bill to my ex. So, then this appeared in my FB feed… timing being everything.

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