I talk a LOT about the supidity of others, although I try to limit it to Rhode Island drivers, Stepford Wives, male republican politicians, the worst of Swankington, GUYS, people who want to regulate my vagina but not a Glock, Red Sox fans with scary bumper stickers,… I think that’s about it. Well, today I’m giving those douchebags a day off! I mean THOSE PEOPLE!! As a lovely high school classmate once pointed out to me, “I like how you make fun of other people, because you make fun of yourself, too.” I always thought that was just Hating Myself, but that’s cool! Today we’re gonna make fun of how dumb CBW is!
First of all, Stupid Is As Stupid Does. I have no clue what Forrest Gump is talking about. No. Fucking. Clue. If I’m not getting Forrest Gump, that seems pretty stupid. If this is a deep statement meant to illustrate that Forrest isn’t as dumb as viewers think, then let me introduce you to my other stupidity skill…
I am probably the most CONCRETE person you will ever meet. What does that mean? Well, you’ll often have to EXPLAIN everything to me. EVERY-thing. For example:
MY HUSBAND: Think of 3 things that really make you happy.
ME: Oh! That’s easy! Foot massages, back massages and face massages!
MY HUSBAND: I was thinking a little deeper.
Don’t even get me started with acronyms. Those things are a sure-fire way to make my brain explode. For example, if I write “I struggle with bra shopping,” and someone immediately writes back: “I SWBS, too,” I’ll be all like, WHAT THE FUCK DOES SWBS MEAN!?!?! Those acronyms in which the letters contained in the acronym don’t even represent the SOUND that the letter makes in the WORD it is representing?! BOGO — you mean that’s O as in ONE, not O as in OH?! And don’t even get me STARTED on YOLO — that should be Y as in YMCA; not Y as in YOU!!!!!! It’s too hard, people. IT’S TOO HARD!!!
Idioms. They should just be called: you’re going to feel like an IDIOT when you hear this. One swallow does not make a summer. HUH? My husband has actually explained that one to me…MANY times, but I’m still convinced it means that if you only see one swallow in the sky, it may not be summer time yet.
Sounds. I can’t spell sounds. For 4 decades I thought Yay! was spelled Yeah! All those times I was cheering for people, they thought I just was saying YES!
I had a recent experience in which someone was talking and talking and all I could think of was, “I have no idea what this person is talking about.” I kept waiting and waiting for the other people who were part of the conversation to ask some questions and get some clarification, but — now this is the terrifying part — EVERYONE ELSE KNEW WHAT WAS GOING ON! How do I know this?! Because they were saying things like, “got it,” “okay,” “makes sense.”
The Good News about all of this kind of stupidity is that my paid work is technical writing and training, so being super concrete and semi-dumb helps me to have a really, truly good understanding of a concept in order to write about it or explain it to others. BUT, it’s kinda like speaking textbook French: you can study and study and relay a Perfect French Sentence when you’re ordering your lunch, but if the French waiter SPEAKS back to you, you’re fucked.
The other way I am Really Dumb is that I never know how to end these things. Au revoir!
Categories: general humor