You know how women always say, “He’d be so good looking if he just lost some weight?” We say that because we don’t CARE about men being intelligent, funny, accomplished or having a great personality. It’s all about the looks for us. Women can’t fall in love with an unattractive man and then grow to love him. Sorry! It’s in our genetics. It’s time to make men realize how much WE care about what THEIR bodies look like. Just in time for reunions and the beach!
First of all, guys, have you been checking out your body in the mirror? Weighing yourself daily? Measuring your trunk around the love handles? Good start, but please don’t stop there. You have a lot to pay attention to and I’m here to spell it all out for you. No part of your body should go unimproved in preparation for seeing people who remember you with hair.
Warm weather is the time for flip flops, so it’s time to take care of those fungus-strewn toe nails. Your doctor can prescribe medication and then it’s on to the nail salon, where no one speaks English, you don’t speak <?> and you receive whatever kind of pedicure you THINK you’ve ordered. But don’t worry! Whatever you order will likely come with a plastic bag to cover your feet to help soften those callouses. No one wants to see Baby backed into a corner OR the thick skin on the bottom of your feet. Keep in mind that your feet are the ONLY body part that should be soft. Everything else should be FIRM.
For example: calves. Have you been standing on tiptoe like a ballet dancer to improve their shape? Your calves should have gorgeous, defined muscles up toward the knees. Think Lance Armstrong, Livestrong years; not Oprah interview years. We don’t want your calves to be the same circumference below your knees as they are at the ankle. Got it?
Thighs. They should be muscular but not TOO muscular. You should look good in swim trunks, but not like a body builder. Body building bodies are GROSS! Those guys LOOK like they’re obsessed with their looks. You need to be obsessed with your looks, but not APPEAR to be that way. And please remember to ZAP that KNEE FAT.
While we’re still on your legs, how hairy are they? There’s a limit. While you’re minimizing your leg hair, please remove all toe, ear, nose and back hair as well. Remember, you are not going to Reunion of Planet of the Apes.
Now we’re at the hard part. Not the penis, you weirdo! YOUR GUT! I have two words for you: Pilates. Stand sideways and look in the mirror. Is your gut bloated? It’s probably because you have kids. KIDS ARE NOT AN EXCUSE. We don’t want anything less than washboard abs. And we’re talking Marky Mark circa 1991 Calvin Klein underwear billboard ad abs. Got it?
Chest! “Push ups are the number one way to improve your chest muscles,” so GET TO IT! Here are the rules: no boobs, fatty or muscular, just taught, firm chest muscles. For these, we consult Daniel Craig.
ARMS! Especially the BACK of the arms. Nothing should jiggle when you wave goodbye to your college-age children. Have you read the Rob Lowe piece about dropping his kid off at college? I’m sure Rob Lowe did not wave off his son with jiggly triceps. So, more weight lifting, guys!
Your back side is “the last thing others see as you leave a room.” That means NO BACK FAT. You might want to take up tri-athaloning to help. This is also probably a good time to remind you about the back hair. WAXING. It’s not that bad. It just kind of SMARTS.
On to the ass. It doesn’t matter how old you are or how many kids you have — you should not be wearing any jeans that are actually COMFORTABLE. We call those DAD JEANS. Your ass must look hot in LEVIS 501s. There should be sufficient LIFT to your ass. There are algorithms more complicated than the Facebook News Feed algorithm that will help you know the exact amount of lift. But as a rule, if your underwear is holding UP your ass, you have work to do. Squats, squats and MORE SQUATS!! Then add one-legged squats and dead lifts. A sagging ass is a message to the world that You’ve Let Yourself Go. More to the point: that YOU ARE NOT WORTHY.
Okay, we’re at your face. A good investment might be that double-chin exercise machine they advertise on TV. Or plastic surgery. If you’re clean shaven, please invest in one of those 5-blade razors that cost ONE GAGILLION DOLLARS and that are SO expensive, the replacement blades are kept under lock and key at the drug store. You probably don’t know this, but a nationally televised ad for razors was once created in which a man with a shaggy beard walks past different shaped shrubs and as he walks past, the shrubs are magically trimmed, implying that the razor is used for TRIMMING HIS SHAGGY BUSH OF A BEARD! I know…I know. Its’ a woman’s world.
The face will also require Botox, a twice-a-day cleansing regimen that includes expensive, all-natural cleanser (chemicals will kill you!), toner (look it up!) AND moisturizer. Teeth: whiten. Uni-brows: pluck. Luckily, no make-up is involved, BUT — that said — we expect your good looks to be very natural LOOKING. You shouldn’t WORRY about all the things listed here. You should just fucking DO them and look CONFIDENT. Confidence is sexy! Also, remember the nose and ear hair.
Hair. The final frontier for your back-to-school-after-30-years reunion. Oh, what can I say. That we don’t mind your baldness? That it’s cute? You poor, poor man. Are you some kind of back-to-the-earth hippie? Going “all natural” is just another term for “I don’t care about myself.” So pull out the Big Guns. NOTHING is too expensive to offset a badly receding hair line. But make sure it ALSO looks natural! No one wants to catch up with someone who looks like they’ve been up all night playing blackjack in Atlantic City and is just now exiting the casino, dragging his oxygen tank. And for those of you thinking of just SHAVING your head, I have only this to say: You are not Michael Jordan.
PHEW! I think that’s it…for this edition. And we haven’t even covered finding the perfect swim trunks, wearing underwear that hides your balls, or jeans shopping. And you thought your only problem was maintaining a hard on. Good luck, guys!