You Won’t Believe What Happened to This Woman When She Put On Her Bathing Suit — I Can’t Stop Laughing

First of all, what happened to THIS  woman when she put on her bathing suit wasn’t THAT funny, I just wanted to give The Internet a little “fuck you” for all the videos with these kinds of titles that have FORCED ME to watch endless minutes of dogs, cats and grandmothers online. That said…

Last summer when we went to the beach, I put my bikini on and the bottoms, which HAD been falling off every time I jumped into a wave (for the LAST five years), now fell right to my ankles. I can put up with a LOT of bullshit, but this Crossed A Line.  (I had two twist ties in the picnic bag that I used to twist around each side of the bottoms and tighten them up = Answer to Your Burning Question.)

Unlike bra shopping, my kids have accompanied me on MANY spontaneous bathing suit try-ons. I say “spontaneous,” because it often goes down like this: we go to Sears for kids’ socks and shorts, or to T.J. Maxx for flips flops or something like that, and then when we’re done, I lead the kids into the bathing suit section, where I find a few suits that are kinda cute and then drag the kids over to changing room, where I try on the suits. Trust me, kids LOVE this shit.

Randomish picture to break up all the words and make blog easier to read.
Randomish picture to break up all the paragraphs and make blog easier to read.

First of all, the bathing suit dressing room at Sears is in the lingerie section, so that alone is a good life lesson for kids. Once they’re bored with all the thongs, they usually come wait outside the changing room and ask to see my latest suit. If I’m not feeling too ridiculous looking, I’ll open the door and their individual responses are usually something along these lines: My 10 year old daughter, “It looks so cute on you!” (<— She’s like some kind of sweet Zen master). From my son: “No.” (<— He has a really good eye and I trust him completely.)

Possibly one of the worst assaults to the brain during bathing suit shopping is the difference between how cute the suit is on the rack/on the model/in the catalog or online and what it ultimately looks like on ME. My sister once gave me this ADORABLE purple-and-white striped bikini. Seeing it on my body, however, only elicited this response: “What the fuck? I have FOUR asses.” (Two held within the confines of the suit and two doing their own thing outside.) Top that off with my left (larger) breast NOT being revealed in some kind of SEXY way down the center, but sticking out near MY ARMPIT, and we had yet another bathing suit fail.

The Lands End ™ catalog has been floating around our house lately and what I thought would look cute on me was this:

bikini shopping_aqua sport suit
Cute, sports-bra style top under rash guard shirt.

But what might actually be more flattering is this:

bikini shopping_sariJUST KIDDING!

If I shop based on this:

You can’t see Catherine on the beach because she’s CAMOUFLAGED!

Then I end up with a bill like this:

Yeah, I'll "save this for later." IN HELL!
Yeah, I’ll “save this for later.” IN HELL!

After the whole bikini-bottoms-falling-off incident last summer, I was FORCED to get this:

bikini shopping_me on beach
From left to right: my arm, my boogie board, recently adjusted breasts, Zen daughter.

It was a fine “emergency” suit, but one that required ENDLESS breast adjustments. I need something that I can better relax in — you know — like the bikini that constantly fell off in the water.  Unfortunately, my family RAYFUSED (!) to go bathing suit shopping with me on Mother’s Day (We drove RIGHT PAST the store **DEDICATED** TO BATHING SUITS! It was MOTHER’S DAY!!). So, I’m still in the market. But don’t worry! There is no swimming event at my 30th reunion, AND, if I don’t find something before beach season, I can always just wear my new sports bra with a pair of boy’s swim trunks. <— dream bathing suit that I can put together for ONE GAGILLION DOLLARS less than the Land’s End version.

Cowabunga, dude!

14 thoughts on “You Won’t Believe What Happened to This Woman When She Put On Her Bathing Suit — I Can’t Stop Laughing

  1. This is a great and fun post but my brain is now taken up with mentally shopping for you. MY mind went straight to halter top bikini. Which, now that I can see the pictures (I couldn’t when I read this on my ancient phone), I see is what the current (hot pink) breast problemizer is. Is there a halter top with some kind of support for old lefty?

    How about BLACK halterkini with some support PLUS Your-Sister-esque string bikini bottom, any color OR vintage Lilly men’s trunks.

    Nice photo!

    You know all of the comments are going to be like, “Oh, Cathy! You look amazing in a bikini!” Etc. so I’ll not go there.

    1. I only suggested black so it would “go” with any random bottom, not because I don’t think you should be loud and proud.

    2. sooooooooooooooo…first of all, thank you for putting so much thought into this. the halter top bikini (same as i had before) is flattering and usually a good method for full coverage, BUT b/c the halter holds up my breasts with my neck, my neck is always sore. I really want a top that fits just like a bra.

      i do like the lilly’s vintage man trunk idea. i could do THAT with a sports bra.

      oooo! you shoulda gotten photo credits!

  2. saw the sports bra and boy shorts look last year on the cape…going into the water, it looked like a white sports bra and boys underwear….when she came out…we all looked away! YIKES!
    -side story. Brought kids into the dressing room when I was trying on bathing suits. Daughter asks, why is your belly flabby? Because I had you, honey!! Son asks, Does that mean dad had me?!?
    Ahhhhh, the joys of shopping with kids!

    1. oh no! i will def. go wtih BLACK or a pattern, then!

      “Yes, honey. That’s why daddy can’t remember anything now and pees in his pants whenever his bladder is full and he’s doing an aerobics workout that involves jumping jacks.”

      1. Have you ckd out Adidas Tops? Keeps everyone all tucked in

        Best of luck!

    1. you are such a good friend.

      the truth is, i *CAN* find a suit. It’s just I won’t pay $68 for a top and THEN have to still find a bottom (for $40). I’m WAY too cheap for that.

  3. My wife read this post over my shoulder. She had two comments: “I can’t believe you’re reading a blog about swimsuit shopping.” And, “That woman in the pink with the surfboard is pretty sexy!” – Mo

Talk to me, people!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s