First of all, what happened to THIS woman when she put on her bathing suit wasn’t THAT funny, I just wanted to give The Internet a little “fuck you” for all the videos with these kinds of titles that have FORCED ME to watch endless minutes of dogs, cats and grandmothers online. That said…
Last summer when we went to the beach, I put my bikini on and the bottoms, which HAD been falling off every time I jumped into a wave (for the LAST five years), now fell right to my ankles. I can put up with a LOT of bullshit, but this Crossed A Line. (I had two twist ties in the picnic bag that I used to twist around each side of the bottoms and tighten them up = Answer to Your Burning Question.)
Unlike bra shopping, my kids have accompanied me on MANY spontaneous bathing suit try-ons. I say “spontaneous,” because it often goes down like this: we go to Sears for kids’ socks and shorts, or to T.J. Maxx for flips flops or something like that, and then when we’re done, I lead the kids into the bathing suit section, where I find a few suits that are kinda cute and then drag the kids over to changing room, where I try on the suits. Trust me, kids LOVE this shit.
First of all, the bathing suit dressing room at Sears is in the lingerie section, so that alone is a good life lesson for kids. Once they’re bored with all the thongs, they usually come wait outside the changing room and ask to see my latest suit. If I’m not feeling too ridiculous looking, I’ll open the door and their individual responses are usually something along these lines: My 10 year old daughter, “It looks so cute on you!” (<— She’s like some kind of sweet Zen master). From my son: “No.” (<— He has a really good eye and I trust him completely.)
Possibly one of the worst assaults to the brain during bathing suit shopping is the difference between how cute the suit is on the rack/on the model/in the catalog or online and what it ultimately looks like on ME. My sister once gave me this ADORABLE purple-and-white striped bikini. Seeing it on my body, however, only elicited this response: “What the fuck? I have FOUR asses.” (Two held within the confines of the suit and two doing their own thing outside.) Top that off with my left (larger) breast NOT being revealed in some kind of SEXY way down the center, but sticking out near MY ARMPIT, and we had yet another bathing suit fail.
The Lands End ™ catalog has been floating around our house lately and what I thought would look cute on me was this:
But what might actually be more flattering is this:
If I shop based on this:
Then I end up with a bill like this:
After the whole bikini-bottoms-falling-off incident last summer, I was FORCED to get this:
It was a fine “emergency” suit, but one that required ENDLESS breast adjustments. I need something that I can better relax in — you know — like the bikini that constantly fell off in the water. Unfortunately, my family RAYFUSED (!) to go bathing suit shopping with me on Mother’s Day (We drove RIGHT PAST the store **DEDICATED** TO BATHING SUITS! It was MOTHER’S DAY!!). So, I’m still in the market. But don’t worry! There is no swimming event at my 30th reunion, AND, if I don’t find something before beach season, I can always just wear my new sports bra with a pair of boy’s swim trunks. <— dream bathing suit that I can put together for ONE GAGILLION DOLLARS less than the Land’s End version.
Categories: something for the ladies