I have avoided saying inappropriate things out loud to the Stepford Wives for decades now. But I seem to have reached some kind of breaking point.
I was walking in the woods, as I do most days, when I came upon a woman wearing sunglasses (in the woods?) and talking on her cell phone (in the WOODS?!). So as I neared her, I cleared my throat, making that universal sound for: YOU ARE DOING SOMETHING REALLY ANNOYING. Unfortunately, throat clearing is about as well understood as when you honk your horn at another driver to say, HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF A FUCKING INDICATOR?!?!?!
Not taking my signal to heart, she said into her cell phone, “I need to know what my bottom line is.” (Aren’t there any all-white GOLF COURSES in town for this kind of bullshit?!). Walking right past her, I blurted out, “Oh my god.” She continued on her cell, “What’s this deal going to BRING me?” In my most Yo-Donald-Trump-of-Barrington-I-am-now-completely-disgusted-and-have-lost-my-faith-in-humanity tone, I exclaimed, “OH!_MY!_GAWD!!!”
Are you thinking, “Catherine. That’s not so bad. People on cells phones ARE Completely Annoying. You could have said a lot worse. And you were in your peaceful woods!” Ha. Hahaha. Hahahahahhahahaha. Let me tell you the other story.
I’m sure you’ve noticed that there are TWO gas pumps in each lane at the gas station, so that two CARS can pull in, preferably front-to-back, but front-to-front being possible. Well, a couple of weeks ago, a woman was pulling into the same line of pumps from the opposite direction as I was, but instead of stopping and letting me also pull in, she just kept driving straight for the pump, blocking me and forcing me do one of those ridiculous gas station U-turns.
Fast-forward a couple of weeks and I’m pulling into that EXACT SAME lane and see another woman pulling in toward ME. So as not to make her do that whole U-turn thingy, I put my brakes on and waved her forward. With RACING speed, she pulls in, her hood facing mine, gets out, starts pumping gas, and doesn’t even look at me. WHUH? Now, I wasn’t looking for some kind of Nobel Peace Prize for my small act of kindness, but she could have at least acknowledged me, waved to me with a thank you…SOMETHING! Notsomuch.
I wasn’t done pulling in when I waved her forward, but — okay — I guess she couldn’t tell that. So I cautiously pulled my car forward, having a hard time judging the amount of space because it was my husband’s car, and when I finally got out, the pump still didn’t reach my gas tank. Soooo. I got back IN my car, inched it forward — UHgain — got out and then had to spin my body around in some kind of I-still-don’t-understand-how-I-did-it way so that the hose was wrapped tightly around my ASS, squeezing even MORE annoyance out of me, but finally reaching the gas tank.
What does the woman do? Nothing. No, “Oh! Sorry!” In fact, she is noticeably AVOIDING eye contact with me in a way that is Just. Plain. WEIRD.
To further set the stage: It was cold and rainy. My back had been hurting ALL day. My blood sugar had plummeted and I had gone off the birth control pills that were regulating my peri-menopausal symptoms, which — apparently — now include EXTREME IRRITABILITY. AND, I am also feeling — no joke — premenstrual. Heck, let’s add that I was slightly dehydrated too, just for fun! Anyway, that’s when I broke. I did not mutter, but said — out loud (but on a very busy road, where no one can hear a thing!) — “You are such a bitch.” WHOOPS!!!!!!!!!!
I AM NOT PROUD! I mean, all those women were ridiculous, but that’s the stuff I WRITE about on Facebook or in my blog, not SAY OUT LOUD! Saying it out loud is…is…THAT’S WHAT MY MOTHER DID WHEN SHE STARTED GOING (EXTRA) CRAZY DURING MENOPAUSE! Oy.
But don’t worry! I’ve realized it’s better for me to be permanently bloated and a few pounds heavier than to be a permanent DONKEY ON THE EDGE. I’ll be going back on those hormone-controlling pills yesterday.