When you announce to the world that your family is FORCING you to buy a cell phone, you start to hear from EVERYBODY about how much they LOVE their own. It’s sorta like getting pregnant for the first time, when all the moms tell you hundreds of neat things you can look forward to about having a baby, except that all the “neat things” end up sounding more like a 27-hour labor followed by a painful forceps delivery.
Here are some real life examples of what people have told me about their blissful experiences of owning a cell phone and some other notable things that have happened since I started counting down the days before I’m tied, gagged, thrown into the back of a white, generic industrial van and driven to Best Buy.
No one will actually CALL you on your cell phone, they’ll just TEXT you.
SO WHY AM I GETTING A PHONE????
Texting allows you to get an instant response from people.
So, people won’t ANSWER their phones, because they don’t want to talk to people that they actually know for any length of time, but they will immediately answer a text?
THIS IS A CULT.
You can do multiple things at the same time on cell phone.
First on my list: Receive a text message and simultaneously ignore it.
ME witnessing these two things within two hours: 1. Seeing a woman walking through a (very, very, very swanky) sports shop in Wilton, Connecticut, talking SO loudly, that my entire family looked up, thinking an announcement was being made by the store manager; and 2. Hearing a woman talking inside her bathroom stall in a public restroom on the highway and THINKING she was just talking to a friend in the adjoining stall, but then learning that she was talking on her cell phone.
As with ALL bad cell phone behavior I’ve witnessed since being forced to get a phone, I typically declare something like, “Oh! I can’t wait to do THAT when I get my cell phone!” as if OWNING a cell phone just AUTOMATICALLY enters you into a population of people who have little regard for other human beings, which — I know — is unfair, because not ALL cell phone owners have bad manners, kinda like how not all new moms and dads engage in the exact same parenting behavior that they swore off before actually having kids.
On another note, after the Bathroom Stall Incident, while still in the car, we would discover the Adorable Daughter playing a cell phone game that allowed her to make a character go poop. I grabbed the phone from her in disgust and then spent 5 minutes trying to figure out how to give the character medicine.
You’re gonna LOVE having a cell phone.
I bet I will love my cell phone, in the same way I now love the idea of iced tea spoons, but with the added benefit of a 2.5-hour-long, pre-purchase discussion about the iced-tea spoon CONTRACT.
ME: Where is S___ <our 13 year old son>?
MY HUSBAND: He’s still in the bike shop.
ME: Does he know we’re leaving?
MY HUSBAND: No, I told him that I’d text him when we were ready.
ME: <banging with my fist on the bike shop’s plate glass window and arrowing with my thumb in the direction of the parking lot> There, I “texted” him.
This is just SOME of the hilarity that I hope to continue to amuse you with, even AFTER I get my cell phone.