general humor

Buying a Car is Like Dating and I GUARANTEE You’ll Lose 10 Pounds

NO ONE can guarantee that you’ll lose 10 pounds. That’s ALL YOU. I’m just trying to write things that break through the internet noise, creating titles that have as much appeal as a stoned cat video (NOTE: I have never seen a stoned cat video.) ((Please don’t send me links to stoned cat videos.))

My husband has been looking for new car. His Toyota has been a total lemon. I’ve had two Toyotas in my life and I think I changed the oil ONCE on first one and bought new tires for the second. Or, SOMETHING like that. Needless to say, my husband’s Highlander has been a complete asshole, needing $500 worth of work every time something goes wrong.

Japanese car made in America.

Thanks, Japanese car built in America!

My husband came home from the dealer after driving a used Honda that he really liked, but  wasn’t convinced it was the The Car. Thirty minutes later, the phone rang…

ROB: Hello?

“Hi Rob, it’s David from The Car Dealership.

ROB: Hey, David. Whassup? (NOTE TO READERS: My husband is not a 23 year-old White Guy)

DAVID: Well, there’s someone else test driving that car you like and I just wanted to make sure you knew. If you want to hold it, you’ll need to put a deposit on it. If you come in tomorrow and it’s not the right car for you, or if this guy doesn’t buy it, you can take the deposit off, but I just wanted to let you know.

ROB: Thanks, man. You’re all right. Let me thinks on it and call you back on the quick (NO!!!!).

ME: DO YOU THINK HE’S LYING JUST TO FORCE A DEPOSIT? <— detail that either makes me seem savvy…or like a dick. Other option: fun to hang out with.

ROB: No way. <— detail that makes Rob look like a good guy!

MORE ROB: I don’t know that it’s the car for me. I’m not 100% sure. David said, if this is an 8, 9 or 10, put the deposit down, but it’s really only a 7 or 8. I’m going to call him back and say no.

MY 13 YEAR OLD SON: NO, NO, NO, NO!!!!! If you put a deposit down, you can get it back tomorrow!! YOU’RE GOING TO LOSE THE CAR!!!!!!!!!! THAT WAS SUCH A NICE CAR!! YOU HAVE TO GET IT!!!!

ROB: There’s always another car. You don’t just spend large sums of money on things you’re not 100% sure of. <– detail illustrating how Rob can create a bitchin’ teachable moment.

Thirty minutes later, David called to inform us that the car had been sold.

Three days later, Rob tested another car (same make), but did not like it at all.

ROB: I should have bought that other car.

ME: Noooooooooooooooooo! DON’T GO BACK TO THE OLD GIRLFRIEND! YOU BROKE UP WITH THAT GIRL! There were REASONS you didn’t want to go out with her. Don’t forget that. And don’t get drunk, feel lonely and start going through your address book calling old girlfriends because you think that no one is ever going to love you.  You’ll find the perfect girl. You’ll love her at first sight and put a $1,000 deposit on her immediately (ew!). Don’t second guess your decision. If that other car was the right girl, you would have kept going out with her!

And that’s how buying a car is just like dating. Here is a picture of the car he found:

Gets ONE GAGILLION miles to the gallon!

Gets ONE GAGILLION miles to the gallon!

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