How to Look Sexy In Low Rise Jeans

Let me start with a humble request. Please tell me who invented the low rise jean. Was it someone who wanted anorexic women to have more frequent urinary tract infections?

I am not judging you for wearing them. I WEAR THEM. I wear them because somehow I managed to convince myself that they made my ass look great. Do you know WHY they make my ass look great? Because they sit so low, the back pockets are practically behind my knees.

I was in a rush to make a flight the day I bought my last pair. (Yes, I have subjected myself to these Rosemary’s Baby jeans TWICE now; the only possible explanation being that I am an asshole.). This is how the jeans fit when I asked the nice sales lady, “Do these fit me? I’m not really used to wearing jeans this tight.”

low rise jeans_fit

What nice sales lady told me:”They DO fit you. Plus, they’ll stretch.” Here is the side-view that convinced me to buy them:

WARNING: I will never wash these jeans.
WARNING: I will never wash these jeans.

Only 45+ days later, well past the return date, would I learn that in Sexy Low Rise Jeans language, the word “stretch” means: having to remove your belt and pull your low rise jeans down to your crotch so your vagina can BREATHE.

Don’t worry! I found the perfect pants. I refer to them as my perimenopausity pants, because when I brought them home, my husband looked at them and said, “They look like maternity pants.” THEY ARE A DREAM COME TRUE. I give you PROOF!

I love you, perimenopausity pants.
I love you, perimenopausity pants.
low rise jeans_perimenopausity pants_back
Side view provided as evidence of cute butt in perimenopausity pants.

That is all. Please enjoy your day in comfort.

7 thoughts on “How to Look Sexy In Low Rise Jeans

  1. Bring on Thanksgiving dinner in those Barney colored jeans! I love them! Bend over with confidence. BC of low ride pants, I’m going to get a tattoo on my lower back with an arrow pointing down…”Insert Coin Here”.

Talk to me, people!

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