How To Be the Most Adorable Coffee Addict In the Whole Wide World Ever!

  1.  Upon waking, fantasize that there is a Keurig ™ brand coffee maker right next to your bedside and pretend that all you need to do is push a button to get your first cup of coffee.
    NOTE: This is ONLY for fantasizing about; If this were true, you’d be more Most Likely to Live In a Hotel Room.
  2. Get out of bed and walk as best you can toward coffee source.
  3. Make a detour to the bathroom to remove your mouthguard.
  4. Go to kitchen and pour filtered water into your kettle.
  5. Turn kettle on.
  6. As kettle begins to boil, stare lovingly at the water that is about to be part of your coffee.
    NOTE: It is important to have a glass kettle for this step to make sense.
    NOTE2: I have a glass kettle.
    NOTE3: Yes, it’s really cool.

    making coffee_water is important
    I didn’t  write this and I cannot find the source. If you know this person, tell them I want to be their best friend. JUST KIDDING! Tell them I want to sleep with them.
  7. Pull out one fair trade, bamboo coffee filter.
    NO! Just grab one of the brown kind you buy at Ocean State Job Lot.
  8. Place filter into your white ceramic thing.
    I’m not sure exactly what this is called and I don’t feel like binging it.
  9. Place 4 scoops of coffee into the filter, which now sits inside the white ceramic thing.
    I just have A Scoop. I’m not sure what it is worth, measurement wise.
  10. Place white ceramic thing on top of Current Favorite Mug (CFM).
    CFM was purchased at Sage Cafe in East Providence. They have not paid me to mention them here, but they probably should.making coffee_sage mug
  11. Optional step: You can WARM the mug AND  the white thing with boiled water, so that when the water is poured for the coffee, everything ceramic will be pre-heated.
    WARNING: You may forget that you filled the mug with water for preheating and you will just start making your coffee, thus overflowing the mug and making a huge mess at 5:30 A.M. and even when you DO remember to pour out the water, the mug will end up so_fucking_ hot that you will burn your lips on the first sip and — really — What Do We Want?! COFFEE! And, When Do We Want It? NOW!! so why waste any time waiting for THE MUG TO COOL DOWN?
  12. Bring the water to just before boil.
    There IS a Best Practice temperature for this step, but if you are the kind of person who manually takes the temp of the water, you should probably be FILMED doing it and THAT SCENE should be used to introduce a movie audience to a character who is Highly Inflexible and, who we hope is going to meet a kooky, adorable woman some day who will teach him how to open up a part of himself that he’s never been in touch with, namely: the part that doesn’t manually take his coffee water’s temperature.
  13. Using as little hot water as possible, begin to wet your grinds <– porn-y!
  14. After all the grinds are wetted, slowly pour more water over the grinds until the mug is full.
    The slower the pour = the deeper the taste = the more the jacking the you up
  15. Grab laptop and coffee and head back to bed.
  16. Pick up mug, bring to lips and take first sip of coffee.
  17. See God.

    JUST KIDDING! It's just that the online images of God were so CHEESEY!
    All the online images of God were so CHEESY, so I made a Rock God.
  18.  Write.
  19. Pick up mug again and think, “When the fuck did I finish this?”
  20. Go downstairs and make second cup.
    VERY IMPORTANT NOTE: Your second cup will NEVER EVER NEVER be as good as your first, but you can start THINKING about and looking FORWARD to the first cup of coffee you will drink TOMORROW as soon as is convenient.


5 thoughts on “How To Be the Most Adorable Coffee Addict In the Whole Wide World Ever!

  1. Irony: I am a potter (on sagoodical) who makes and sells mugs and has a huge collection of other people’s homemade mugs, but don’t like coffee. Trust me…I’ve tried!

  2. fucking awesome.
    Ryan and I once looked at each other in the evening and he said, “do you ever wish it was morning so we could have coffee?” I’m like, FUCK YEAH. because we’re old and have sensitive guts we cannot tolerate coffee after noon. So lame.

    1. hahahhaha! that is so fucking hilarious and I KNOW that VERY feeling. my husband doesn’t drink coffee, but I”ll have those moments where I’ll just think, “mmmmmmm…I can’t wait for my coffee tomorrow.” Don’t even get me started on sensitive guts. If I could subsist on coffee, popcorn and potato vodka, I would. I’M SO GLAD YOU’RE HERE. You’re so damn FUN.

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