general humor

What I Ask the Universe For In My Darkest Moments

Dear Universe,

I know I’ve already asked to be paid for my humor writing, and I want to thank you in advance for that, because I KNOW It’s Just A Matter of Time before that all happens. But I was wondering if I could also add PERSONAL CHEF to my list of requests.

I know it’s a late addition, but instead of writing all morning, I ended up going down a twitter rabbit hole filled with hilarious twitter feeds from really super funny women, which was great, because if I HADN’T found them, I was going to embark on a creative challenge called Make Fun Of Twitter for 38 Straight Days. So, I’m psyched that my faith has been restored (in twitter), but now I’m kinda “stuck” in bed and I’m REALLY SUPER FUCKING hungry.

Soooooo…I’m just wondering, since I’ve been — am being —  you know, incredibly centered and patient and — well — downright RIGHTEOUS about the actual TIMING of being paid for my creative writing, if you could please send the personal chef to me NOW. Like, RIGHT THIS FUCKING SECOND.

Since it IS short notice, and I mostly just need a delicious breakfast whilst in bed, I don’t have MANY requirements for the chef, but I would welcome someone who is easy to be around and fun to talk to. Additional helpful skills might be: Decent Driver in a Blizzard and Have a Car with Good Quality Snow Tires. Someone’s who is actually a GOOD COOK would be nice, but I know it’s last-minute and that I have to be flexible!

Thanks, Universe! You really are the best.

Love,

Catherine Bardagy Winchild

PS: by “stuck” I mean, if go downstairs now, I’m going to have to shovel the driveway.

HOLY SHIT, these would work:

dear universe_scd muffins

I AM VISUALIZING THESE IN MY MOUTH…I AM EATING THESE NOW…

 

Talk to me, people!

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