Twitter is from Mars, Facebook is from Venus

I have tried to NOT make fun of twitter, for fear of putting bad juju out into the universe, but I can no longer hold my tongue.

Twitter is the weirdest social media site I’ve ever experienced. And I’ve experienced two.

SIGNS YOU ARE OUT OF YOUR ELEMENT.

First of all, there’s this weird hierarchy established by when you first JOINED twitter, which is listed at the top of your profile, somehow implying that the people who’ve had twitter accounts the longest are the hippest. I saw someone with a 2008 account the other day and I was indignant, because I’m pretty that twitter didn’t even exist until 2009, so — clearly — that person hacked into her school’s computer and changed her start date (this is a War Games reference. You’re welcome).

Sometimes I write things on twitter and they are INSTANTLY “favorite-d” by another twitter account OR I’m instantly followed. These insta-favorites/follows are done via some phishing application. Here are some of the words that have caught phish:

Paleo

Marketing

Star Wars

One Direction

So, good news! Twitter is being run by 23 year-old boys.

The insta-follows never last. If you don’t follow the guy’s account back, they just sort of go away. So, it’s basically like dating, except the guy isn’t your type and he’s paid for someone to call you and pretend he likes you.

Then there is this other thing that happens with just the males on twitter: If you reply to his tweet, he “favorites” your reply and then  — instantaneously — follows your twitter account. I was really psyched when this first happened to me, as I thought the person was pretty hilarious and I was all like, “Yes! I’m finally finding authentic, like-minded people who find one another funny.” He’s following 56,000 people.

It took me an embarrassing amount of time to figure out that the twitter Home Page icon was a bird house. Still not so sure about that Messages icon. A paper airplane?

And I haven’t even TOLD YOU about the times I do try to reach out and connect with people in a Real Way and just come off seeming…what’s the perfect word…oh, I know! OLD and CREEPY.

I hate referring to twitter as “weird,” because I know that’s more a reflection of my inability to understand and appreciate it fully. So, I’m going to keep trying. Maybe I’ll tweet the words “Viagra ™” and “penis enlargement” and see what happens.

Over and out.