Twitter is from Mars, Facebook is from Venus

I have tried to NOT make fun of twitter, for fear of putting bad juju out into the universe, but I can no longer hold my tongue.

Twitter is the weirdest social media site I’ve ever experienced. And I’ve experienced two.


First of all, there’s this weird hierarchy established by when you first JOINED twitter, which is listed at the top of your profile, somehow implying that the people who’ve had twitter accounts the longest are the hippest. I saw someone with a 2008 account the other day and I was indignant, because I’m pretty that twitter didn’t even exist until 2009, so — clearly — that person hacked into her school’s computer and changed her start date (this is a War Games reference. You’re welcome).

Sometimes I write things on twitter and they are INSTANTLY “favorite-d” by another twitter account OR I’m instantly followed. These insta-favorites/follows are done via some phishing application. Here are some of the words that have caught phish:



Star Wars

One Direction

So, good news! Twitter is being run by 23 year-old boys.

The insta-follows never last. If you don’t follow the guy’s account back, they just sort of go away. So, it’s basically like dating, except the guy isn’t your type and he’s paid for someone to call you and pretend he likes you.

Then there is this other thing that happens with just the males on twitter: If you reply to his tweet, he “favorites” your reply and then  — instantaneously — follows your twitter account. I was really psyched when this first happened to me, as I thought the person was pretty hilarious and I was all like, “Yes! I’m finally finding authentic, like-minded people who find one another funny.” He’s following 56,000 people.

It took me WAY longer than it should have to get that the twitter Home Page icon was a bird house. Still not so sure about the Messages icon. Paper airplane?
It took me an embarrassing amount of time to figure out that the twitter Home Page icon was a bird house. Still not so sure about that Messages icon. A paper airplane?

And I haven’t even TOLD YOU about the times I do try to reach out and connect with people in a Real Way and just come off seeming…what’s the perfect word…oh, I know! OLD and CREEPY.

I hate referring to twitter as “weird,” because I know that’s more a reflection of my inability to understand and appreciate it fully. So, I’m going to keep trying. Maybe I’ll tweet the words “Viagra ™” and “penis enlargement” and see what happens.

Over and out.

16 thoughts on “Twitter is from Mars, Facebook is from Venus

    1. I mean CHER is on twitter, so, no.

      i’m only PRO-tected cos i’m anal about keeping certain personal details off of the internet. I blame this on the fact that I got my first email address in 1994 (, and things were so much different back then. that’s all!

      1. yeah, I just switched my personal FB page to to a Humor Writer platform (switched it in my head, wrote (Humor Writer) after my name and made all posts public) and unfriended everyone who never ever never connected with me there. Even family members. (as awesome as it sounds)

        PS: I just liked your FB page. What I REALLY don’t like on Facebook is my FB PAGE; Fucking mark Zuckerberg. I oughta pay to Boost HIM. (that makes no sense)).

      2. I will probably like yours back a little later when I get the chance. The sad part about my stupid “Fan” page is that I never do anything on there. I used to, but no one ever responded to it. Which is why I love blogging so much better because people actually respond with comments, unlike my idiot friends on Facebook.

    1. LOL! poor steve miller (and his band). no respect. to be fair, the twitterer probably came of age with SPACE JAM in movie theaters. I just listened to the SEAL version and was disappointed he didn’t commit to that weird extended silence toward the end of the song. did you ever read that book “a visit from the goonsquad”? that’s what the steve miller version always reminds me of now.

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