I am stating for the record that I’ve already had too many conversations for one lifetime about whether women should wear underwear to bed and also when NOT to wear underwear under their clothing. Apparently, if you are short and wearing tight leggings, you must go wedgie-free. GOOD GAWD, I never thought underwear was optional for anyone but movie stars on Oscar night. And I definitely never thought of wearing underwear to bed unless I was camping. WHAT KIND OF LIFE HAVE I BEEN LIVING?!
Then — of course — there’s the underwear shopping. Do you know where I spent 90% of the first days of my children’s summer vacation? Underwear buying — and returning — at Target.
FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS GOOD, why do they sell the 100% cotton underwear that’s reasonably priced in those little 3-D cardboard puzzles that 1. Do not allow you to try them on in the store; and B. Are physically impossible to put back together properly after you go home, try on the undies, realize that they don’t fit and then try to reassemble the 3 pairs into some origami-like sculpture so that they will look like someone else would like to buy them, because we all know that NO ONE buys those 3-packs that consist of the scrunched up already-tried-on undies in a Saran Wrap [tm]-like material and placed on the bottom shelf.
By the forth day of returns, I gave up on the reassembly, much like in grade school when I gave up on the idea of being able to do a Rubric’s Cube, and decided, “Fuck it! I’ll just throw these six pairs of underwear back into the plastic bag and return them with the cardboard partially shredded.”
When I finally found underwear that fit — 96% cotton, 4% spandex; hipster style; “no pinch no roll” waistband — I walked around with pieces of tape stuck to my ass all day long, because there was so much tape required to place the underwear in such a way that all the patterns and contrasting waistbands displayed perfectly in their package that I lost track of all the pieces I was supposed to remove and thus basically walked around like my butt was a Christmas present.
“MOM! What is that tape on your butt??!”
OhMYGAWD don’t judge me for my kids seeing my butt naked!
Categories: general humor