general humor

Underwear That’s Fun to Wear!

underwear_masterI am stating for the record that I’ve already had too many conversations for one lifetime about whether women should wear underwear to bed and also when NOT to wear underwear under their clothing. Apparently, if you are short and wearing tight leggings, you must go wedgie-free. GOOD GAWD, I never thought underwear was optional for anyone but movie stars on Oscar night. And I definitely never thought of wearing underwear to bed unless I was camping. WHAT KIND OF LIFE HAVE I BEEN LIVING?!

Then — of course — there’s the underwear shopping. Do you know where I spent 90% of the first days of my children’s summer vacation? Underwear buying — and returning — at Target.

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS GOOD, why do they sell the 100% cotton underwear that’s reasonably priced in those little 3-D cardboard puzzles that 1. Do not allow you to try them on in the store; and B. Are physically impossible to put back together properly after you go home, try on the undies, realize that they don’t fit and then try to reassemble the 3 pairs into some origami-like sculpture so that they will look like someone else would like to buy them, because we all know that NO ONE buys those 3-packs that consist of the scrunched up already-tried-on undies in a Saran Wrap [tm]-like material and placed on the bottom shelf.

By the forth day of returns, I gave up on the reassembly, much like in grade school when I gave up on the idea of being able to do a Rubric’s Cube, and decided, “Fuck it! I’ll just throw these six pairs of underwear back into the plastic bag and return them with the cardboard partially shredded.”

When I finally found underwear that fit — 96% cotton, 4% spandex; hipster style; “no pinch no roll” waistband — I walked around with pieces of tape stuck to my ass all day long, because there was so much tape required to place the underwear in such a way that all the patterns and contrasting waistbands displayed perfectly in their package that I lost track of all the pieces I was supposed to remove and thus basically walked around like my butt was a Christmas present.

“MOM! What is that tape on your butt??!”

OhMYGAWD don’t judge me for my kids seeing my butt naked!

Categories: general humor

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9 replies »

    • Oh, Ben, to be a man! My husband can send me to the box store to pick up boxers FOR him. I think I’ll give him that challenge one day and see what he returns with for me.

      The other day I read your post and my comment was, “Hi, Ben,” just because I just wanted to connect (I deleted it). So… HI, BEN! Always good to see you… here AND in my inbox.

  1. Holy shit. If I weren’t so tired I’d be laughing my butt off. The volume of ill-fitting underwear I’ve purchased is depressing. Underwear to bed. No underwear under Spanx. Butt floss never. I’ll stick with those rules until the day I’m back in a diaper and have lost all memory of underwear.

  2. Hmmmm…..the problem may begin with stepping across the threshold into Target TO BUY UNDERWEAR. Come with me and I’ll take you to the guru of intimate apparel at Nordstrom. Good luck with that tape on your bum. You could be onto something there. Tape undies – wax and have coverage at the same time. I don’t judge families behind closed doors and why your kids saw your Target-undies covered bum-bum.

    • I love that you use “intimate apparel” in lieu of UNDERWEAR. What I need is 96% cotton, but sexier and sold individually, on a pretty table, or hung from a small, fancy hanger. I would happily give up the 3-pack if that dream IA existed.

      Can this be found at Nordstom? If so, please bring me AND HOLD MY HAND. :)

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