All I Really Need to Know About Marketing I Learned From Taylor Swift

Some of you know that I’m another one of those assholes writing a book. But what you may not know is that authors don’t get to just sit in their “woman lofts” [1] and write funny words that get turned into hilarious sentences, but that we are also required to MARKET our books.

Yup. The writers, lovers of WORDS and IDEAS, have to deal with PEOPLE. There is no magic lady who contributes her skills to the book promotion process. It’s the people who are borderline AFRAID of people who have to sell their stuff. Every time I even LOOK at the marketing section of How to Write a Book Proposal, I cry out in a self pitying whine that reaches eleven.

Enter Taylor Swift, center stage, Gillette ™ Stadium, Foxborough, Massachusetts, July 24, 2015, 9:38 pm (AKA: my bedtime). Now THAT is a woman who knows how to market herself. I’ve taken a page from Taylor Swift’s recent show (not a concert) and created a plan for my upcoming book readings. Here’s what I’ll do…

• Embark on a World Tour to promote my book, hitting London, Tokyo, Dublin, Melbourne, Amsterdam, Glasgow, Vancouver and East Rutherford.
• Before the readings begin, entertain the audience with a slide show that includes multiple choice quizzes about my life and quotes of all the nice things people have said about me on social media.
• In between excerpts, show a video of my female friends talking about how they first met me and what they LOVE most about me (while I make outfit changes in the back of the bookstore).
• Refer to the people at the reading as the CITY in which we’re located and make that CITY feel LOVED, like no one has ever appreciated that CITY and its people in THIS WAY ever, never, ever before.
• During the reading, walk a catwalk out into the crowd, to create that deeper sense of connection with the audience. (No touching!)
• Pass out digitally controlled bracelets before the reading and then, in the middle of a chapter, have the bracelets flash different colors in sync to my hilarity. (This will create incredible BUZZ about the reading, because — honestly — who doesn’t love a light show?)
• Ask the audience to wave their hands in the air, jump up and down, and lower and raise the volume of their cheering (for my awesome book!), to the point that one of the girls at the reading will turn to her mom and say, “That adorable author has control of our BRAINS!”

Marketing? It’s nothing to be afraid of. It’s just a way to have FUN telling people how FABULOUS you are. Over and over and over again.

[1] My “woman loft” = my dining room table

Your local bookstore.

Enjoying the warm-up band HAIM (hy’- em).