The Art of Hating Inanimate Objects

Don’t worry! I still hate LIVING things, like bitchy Stepford Wife Realtors and bad Rhode Island drivers. Those guys still get lots of my middle finger.

But why stop at douchebags who drive through crosswalks (WHILE I’M WALKING IN THEM!) when I can also hate my new oven?

Yep. Hate it. Why? Have you ever tried to clean my new stove top? For fuck’s sake GE, do you even CONSULT humans in the Real World when  you design these things? I’m pretty sure my oven was designed by the writers on 30 Rock.

My stove top requires a special cleaning cream that costs ONE GAGILLION DOLLARS, and you can’t just use any sponge to apply the cream. You have to buy a special scrubby designed to clean glass stove tops. Okay: whatever.

But, after you use the cream that you needed to win the Powerball ™ lottery to afford, along with the stupid fucking specialized scrubby, you then have to “BUFF” the glass top with a dry rag or a paper towel to remove the remaining cleaning agent.

The dried cream that you have not been able to remove with the dry rag gets stuck in the rubber that surrounds the edges of the glass top, so you are then FORCED to take a damp wash cloth and wipe down the rubber to remove all the cream. BUT THEN YOU FUCK UP THE EDGES OF THE GLASS TOP THAT YOU JUST SPENT FIVE FUCKING MINUTES CLEANING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You then must wipe_down_the_glass — AGAIN —  with the dry rag, which is now covered in dry cream, which gets back all over the glass until you can find a clean part of the rag to use that will shine the stove. And even THEN there are still permanent marks/stains/ahhhh! what the fuck IS THAT?! on the front burners.

The whole cleaning process ends with my hands burning from the application of the concentrated citric acid-based cream. (To answer your question: No, I am NOT buying gloves JUST TO CLEAN MY STOVE TOP.)

And we haven’t even talked about when the oven is ON, how it permanently displays the temperature of the oven, so that — once — for 30 full minutes, I kept thinking it was 4:25 pm AND NOT 425 degrees!

For my next blog post I will detail my hatred for that bullshit piece of crap top shelf of my dishwasher. Mon Dieu, does water even go UP THERE?!

With love to your human self,

Catherine B. Winchild


6 thoughts on “The Art of Hating Inanimate Objects

  1. I have the same stove (but the outdated, less bells and whistles version than your high-falootin’ Rhode Island model) with all of the same problems…but why didn’t the “appliance specialist” tell you about the 20th step of the cleaning process where you use a brand-new ‘cut your finger off sharp’ straight razor blade to scrape off all of the shit that the other 29 steps doesn’t remove? It’s super fun because you have to make sure to scrape at just the right angle so that you remove the shit but don’t leave gouges and scratches on the “it’ll never look this good ever again” glass surface. You’re missing half the fun there, Catherine!!!

      1. It would be nice if the blades come packaged with a box of medical supplies…gauze pads, band aids, medical tape, and perhaps a tourniquet.

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