I know … I know. Shiksa doesn’t rhyme with Passover the same wonderful way that Shiksa at a Bat Mitzvah did. Oh well. Here are my 10 Signs You’re a Shiksa Preparing for Passoverka:
- When writing your shopping list for the Seder, you pull out the Jewish holiday cookbook that your mother-in-law gave you, which contains every recipe you need, from appetizers to desserts.
- Well, okay, my sister-in-law AND my mother-in-law both have that (awesome) cookbook, but I am probably the only one who refers to it as my Jewish holiday “bible.”
- When opening said “bible,” you immediately turn to the Rosh Hashannah section and think, “That’s weird. The Rosh Hashannah menus are at the very beginning of the cookbook, and it’s spring time. Ohhhh … that’s because it’s the celebration of the new year and the cookbook is organized by the Jewish calendar.” And then, about 5 seconds into reading the recipes with no matzo in sight, you realize that it’s Passover you’re preparing for, NOT Rosh Hashannah, but those two guys are practically the same thing in your head, just like Selena Gomez and Demi Lovato.
- After shopping with your daughter for everything you need to make a wonderful Passover meal, you get home and understand why your mother-in-law does all her shopping and cooking ahead of time, because now it’s 3:00 pm and you’ve got a brisket that’s gonna take 3 hours at 325 degrees and also a kugel AND new potatoes that need to be cooked at 375 and 450, respectively, and your family usually sits down to eat around 5:45 pm, so 6 pm for the brisket is FINE, but the kugel and the potatoes are gonna add another HOUR and there will be blood.
- If you’re wondering how I solved that #4 up there, I cooked the brisket at 350 instead of 325 (to get it used to a higher temp <— ?) and then, 2.5 hours in, bumped it up to 375, threw in the kugel, worried that the brisket would be over-done, took OUT the brisket, checked the inner temp (done! Thanks, 350!), took out the kugel after 30 minutes, then turned the oven up to 450 degrees, threw in the potatoes for 25 minutes, turned OFF the oven, put EVERYTHING back in to keep warm, sat own for our 10 minute family Seder (Rabbi created!) and then removed all food from the oven for consumption. (I know this isn’t really much of a Sign I’m a Shiksa, but more of a Cooking Tips for When You Don’t Have Your Jewish Holiday Shit Together, but — honestly — at this point, I don’t know if I even have 10 signs, so consider this one “filler.”)
- When your husband asks you where the Haggadahs are (thanks, Maxwell House!), you tell him they’re downstairs, next to all the other holiday stuff (read: Christmas ornaments from your youth).
- You do NOT prepare a matzo ball soup, but that’s only because when you’re shopping, you cannot find any matzo meal and you’re not sure if that’s because you’re shopping at the last minute OR because Shaw’s supermarket SUCKS, and you are DEFINITELY not going to make those almond flour matzo balls again, because even though you (I) CAN eat them (and WHO’S cooking?!), the last time you (I) made those, they were openly described as “disgusting” (true) and — besides — matzo balls with no EGG (see #8), are likely to be a similar disaster.
- My 14 year-old son is experimenting with veganism (you should click on that link back there for my Vegannoying post because — well — it IS the internet and nothing spells i-n-t-e-r-n-e-t like a link-clicking rabbit hole and — also — it’s hilARious) and I’m here to tell you that veganism and Passover go together about as well as leading republican presidential candidates and people who aren’t Complete Fucking Batshit Crazy.
- I’ve decided to only write 8 signs, because that’s how many days of Passover there are (I think). Note: I just Binged that fact — and — no wonder I’m confused! Passover is SEVEN days, “in Israel and for Reform Jews and other progressive Jews around the world,” but EIGHT days for “… most Conservative Jews.”
- Jesus Christ, Jewish holidays are hard.
Illustrated evidence that I’m a Shiksa:
Categories: general humor