general humor

50 Things I’ve Learned In 50 Years

In no particular order …

  1. I don’t have to care what anyone thinks.
  2. If someone is mad at me, it’s their job to say so. I don’t have to guess and investigate.
  3. If someone is mad at me, I am not a bad person.
  4. If your mom is mentally ill, you will learn a lot of really bad internal lessons about what people think about you and whether they are mad at you (see lessons #1, 2 and 3).
  5. If I spot an article of clothing on the sidewalk when I’m walking, I don’t need to bring it home, wash it and keep it for my own or give it to a family member.
  6. Lesson #5 applies, EVEN IF IT IS A REALLY NICE T-SHIRT DROPPED BY SOME WHITE, TWENTY YEAR-OLD MALE LEAVING THE YACHT CLUB IN HIS BRAND NEW JEEP.
  7. When I am trying to make it back home from a long walk in a certain amount of time, I can cut the curves and take the “fastest lines.”
  8. Lesson #7 is pretty much just like riding in the Tour de France (tm?), except that I don’t have a bike, a hill or a penis.
  9. Making your bed every morning is no cure for depression, but it sure beats feeling depressed and looking at a shit mess of a bed.
  10. My feet are perfect.
  11. You should never objectify a woman by breaking down and evaluating her body parts. This rule does not apply to Lesson #10.
  12. It is okay to objectify men and break down body their body parts for critical evaluation, just to fuck with them.
  13. It’s good to rid yourself of some of the chemicals in your life, but not to the point that your bathroom doesn’t come clean.
  14. People will comment about the all-natural cleaning agent they use for their bathrooms in this blog’s comment section.
  15. Vegan food is really delicious, if it doesn’t come laden with a “if everyone in the world ate vegan, we’d stop global warming” message.
  16. If your nipples send searing pain through your breasts while breast feeding after 6 months of cutting out foods and taking various supplements, just start using formula. USE THE FUCKING FORMULA.
  17. There is no substitute for a really good, qualified psychiatrist.
  18. Holy shit. I’m only at 18! I better think of some more lessons!
  19. In fourth grade, don’t worry about having overly neat script; your writing will naturally become messy and barely legible with age.
  20. PLUS … If your daughter finds a book from your own childhood with your name written in it, she will be awed BY YOUR NEAT SCRIPT.
  21. It’s really fun to have a lot of years together as a married couple before having kids, but don’t have a certain age in mind when you SHOULD have kids, because you never know if it’s going to take 18 months to get pregnant.
  22. If you have your second child at age 37 AND you got your period really early in life, you will go through peri-/menopause at THE SAME TIME AS YOUR KIDS GO THROUGH PUBERTY.
  23. Just to be clear: Lesson #22 is an asshole.
  24. Use male-based words for insults, such as sire, father fucker, penis, throws like a boy, and breasts (for balls; although some prefer the more anatomically correct OVARIES), because language affects thought and it’s also fun to learn new swear words.
  25. Buy a pickup truck as a young person. Even if all your relatives make fun of you for it.
  26. All the relatives who make fun of you for buying a pickup truck will ask to borrow it.
  27. If your family members are going to load and unload the dishwasher, you have to show some flexibility. As long as YOU are not doing the work, it’s important to just take a breath and know that when they don’t load the dishwasher to your specifications, it is not some Crime Against Feminism.
  28. Shhhhh! Lesson #27 is BULLSHIT. Spend the rest of your life trying to get your family members to load and unload the dishwasher exactly like you!
  29. Oh yeah! Remember to get your family history on paper, before your parents, aunts and uncles lose their memories.
  30. Damn you, Lesson #29! Your mother’s history is fucked!
  31. Asking people lots of question in social situations is a great way to control anxiety. In social situations.
  32. Lesson #31 is useful, but only if you’re genuinely interested. Otherwise, you just seem like Rain Man.
  33. If you are ready to leave a conversation at a party, the other person probably is too! Don’t worry about making a rude exit.
  34. Saying you want to get another drink is always a smooth way to exit a party conversation.
  35. Don’t exit too many party conversations using Lesson #34, because people will think you’re an alcoholic.
  36. Remind yourself about Lesson #1 and get as many fucking drinks as you want.
  37. Two canvas bags full of vitamins and supplements are no substitute for good, well-regulated medication.
  38. Marry a nice Jewish man who ran cross country in high school.
  39. There is no substitute for a really good gasteroentologist.
  40. Learn how to spell gastereoentologist.
  41. Laugh at your own jokes.
  42. Plastic church signs are the LEAST inspirational messages about Jesus, religion, life and spirituality.
  43. Recent evidence related to Lesson #42: God bless our schools and the football team.
  44. For fuck’s sake!
  45. He’s not trying to, but sometimes the Dalai Lama’s insights will make you feel like a shit.
  46. Don’t ask yourself what you want TO DO with your life. Ask yourself what PROBLEM you want to solve in this world.
  47. Isn’t Lesson #46 cool? I just learned it!
  48. Forgive yourself for not being able to cite Lesson #46. You’re 50! You can’t remember shit.
  49. Write your fucking book!
  50. Swear like your life fucking depends on it.
  51. BONUS LESSON! Someone is sure to make a “depends” joke, now that you are 50.

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Rocking the adorable — since 1966.

 

 

6 replies »

  1. I just yesterday purchased Clorox brand toilet bowl cleaner—a two-pack—in SHAWS—during a crowded time, when anyone could have seen me! Also nonorganic grapes.

    Gastroenterologist is how I spell it and now I feel ashamed.

  2. Oh Cath…you’re not getting older, you’re getting BETTER! Which brings me to my favorite– # 49…YES…the fucking world is waiting!!! xo

  3. #28: I will go to my grave upset over people who jeopardize my most precious pottery pieces of art made by an incredible collection of human beings with serious talent. A mug in SIDEWAYS. SIDEWAYS!!!!!

    This was fun.

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