Oh, the password. We all know what we’re supposed to do. But we never DO it.
I used to keep my passwords on a text file on my laptop. Then, in January of 2016, some guys from India, WHOM I HAD CALLED THINKING I WAS CALLING DELL COMPUTERS, ran all sorts of (speed increasing) stuff on my laptop (turned out legit), but put the complete Fear Of Hackers in me (easy to understand). So, I printed my text file, deleted it from my computer and then spent two hours on my husband’s computer redoing every_single_site password that I used on a regular basis. Then I wrote down all the new passwords on a piece of paper.
This “system” was perfectly adequate, unless I was out of the house and didn’t have the paper password list with me. Or, okay, I was sitting on a couch with my laptop and was unwilling to get off my ass and walk over and GET my paper password list. Whatever.
I would — of course — then use a site’s Forget Password Reset feature. Easy enough. BUT THEN, the next month, I would use the old password (because I forgot I changed it), get a “wrong password” message, forget WHAT I changed it to (because I didn’t write it down anew) and then I’d have to reset it again.
So, I would reset my password AND record the new password on my password paper. This is called The Honeymoon Forgot Password Reset period. Hopefully, the honeymoon does not end next month when I cannot discern the old/crossed out password from the arrows that point toward the new password. Or, was that arrow pointing at another site’s password?
I stopped using paper.
I named a new password text file on my laptop “dementia.” Then I forGOT I had a password text file on my laptop called dementia. So I started a NEW password text file on my computer, but — honestly — without looking, I can’t remember exactly what I called it. Something VERY clever to trick the hackers, like wordpass, or w0rdp@33 … OH! I just looked … it’s PdoubleU.
I am screwed.
And I haven’t even discussed the fact that when I record my passwords in the text files, I write the site name AND the password cryptically (you know, in case the hacker finds the PdoubleU file). Some cryptic site names are easy to decipher. Others, not so much:
This one is easy! That is my mom’s (crazyLady) online medical account (My Chart).
coffee heath bar
+ blanchette girl first nomme
I have NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT
This would be tragic, were it not so funny.
The other day, I used the whole Forgot Password Reset feature to reset a password (that I just NOW found on my “dementia” text file (that I forgot existed)), but by the time I went to login with the new password, I had FORGOTTEN WHAT I HAD JUST RESET IT TO 3 MINUTES AGO!
Do you know what happens when you try to reset your password twice in less than 5 minutes on a financial site? They cut you off for 24 hours and your family members yell, “But you JUST reset it!!!” and make you all jiggy and stressed out and even LESS able to remember it.
For the record, I remember a LOT of things. For example, I remember almost every thing I’ve ever posted on Facebook. Not in some weird, Rainman way. I’m not like, “In July of 2011, I wrote ____________.”
It’s more like, once I write it, I rarely ever think of it again. But, on the chance that I do (think of it again), I totally remember that I already cracked myself up with it (and then I don’t write it again).
Here are some Facebook posts I will never forget:
Categories: general humor