Oh, Ho, Ho It’s Magic

I am not a religious person. (Although, I did once pray to Jesus asking him to have a member of the no-blacks-no-Jews-all-white golf club in town fall off one of the course’s bridges while he was crossing in his golf cart and land in the tidal inlet. He wouldn’t get hurt! I’m not a sadist. I […]

The Art of Hating Inanimate Objects

Don’t worry! I still hate LIVING things, like bitchy Stepford Wife Realtors and bad Rhode Island drivers. Those guys still get lots of my middle finger. But why stop at douchebags who drive through crosswalks (WHILE I’M WALKING IN THEM!) when I can also hate my new oven? Yep. Hate it. Why? Have you ever tried to clean my new stove top? […]

Where Are You Going?

I recently took 8 flights. That’s 8, as in: E-I-G-H-T. This time, I managed to make every connection. Thank you. Thank you very much. Also, on every one of these flights, I wondered where all the people were going. Seriously! Why are all these people flying to Oregon the first week in December? Why are you leaving […]

You Know the Story

You know the story… Woman meets psychiatrist. Psychiatrist medicates woman. Woman loves everybody. Woman goes through menopause. Woman realizes that Stepford Wives, RI drivers and entitled douchebags are still ridiculously annoying. Woman hopes someone will punch her the next time she says she “loves everybody.” Woman puts on 10 pounds. Woman reconciles extra weight, because […]

The Writing Process

Writing a book is hard. Writing a blog was a challenge at first, too, until a person suggested I think of each blog post as multiple Facebook posts pieced together. Facebook posts have always just flowed out of me. I keep telling myself to think of my book as multiple blog posts strung together, but it’s not […]

In Defense of Comic Sans

What the hotel did the Comic Sans font ever do to us?! My GAWD! The hostility after that one McSweeney’s article about how ridiculous the font is. I’m sorry that the people who use Comic Sans font did not go to the School Of Cool Fucking Fonts. There are about 10 GAGILLION fonts listed JUST in Word. And I […]

All the Times In My Life I Wish I’d Said …

You know the drill. Someone says something completely obnoxious to you and anywhere from 24-hours to 10-years later, you realize how mean it was. Then — of course– you finally come up with the perfect comeback. I’m of the belief that the perfect comeback is typically: FUCK YOU! Today I list all the times in the last 48 years, starting […]

Don’t Drive Like My Neighbors

I’m making a series of graphics about my near-death experiences with the local drivers, in the hopes that they can be used as Public Service Announcements (with Swear Words) about bad driving or — possibly — to highlight overly dramatic RESPONSES. I’ve included my first two graphics in this blog post (one was previously published in another post, but […]

The Very Last Word On the Best Way to Load Your Dishwasher

You are probably saying to yourself, “Oh, there’s always that ONE person in the house who THINKS they know the best way to load the dishwasher.” Well, aren’t you adorable and I’m glad we’re not married. FACT: There isn’t always one person in the house who thinks s/he can load the dishwasher the best. There is […]