That Time My Mom Almost Ran Over David Letterman

When you grow up with a mentally ill mother, you don’t know she’s mentally ill. You just think she’s kinda different. But David Letterman? He figured out my mom was a complete nut job within three minutes of meeting her. Yes! My mom met David Letterman! Here’s how the story goes… My mom was driving down […]

My Calling for the Apocalypse

My calling for the Apocalypse is to be the first person killed. Possibly by my own people. So, for example, during the Apocalypse, after some of the adults have run into the Kwik-E-Mart and stolen all the candy bars for food, I’ll be like, “Are you fucking kidding me? You didn’t get any ALMONDS? You guys are […]

That Party I Went To Where I Kept Telling People I’d Sleep with the Women at the Party

Are you one of those people who says stupid things at social gatherings because you are so used to writing that you can barely speak the English language anymore and sometimes when you try to be cute, funny or clever in 3-D your “jokes” fall flat? ME TOO! I made you some 2-D pictures of […]

Someone High Up in the Vegan Movement Is Trying to Kill Me

I cook a lot of vegan meals for my dairy-free and moving towards vegan family members. So please, no angry-ass, pro-vegan comments about this post. Not that I’m afraid of you, since you are probably slightly underweight and also anemic. But — seriously — what the hotel happened to all those hippie-dippy, Vermont-based, local-health-food-store-shopping, Birkenstocks- […]

That Man Would Be Gorgeous If He Just Lost Some Weight

You know how women always say, “He’d be so good looking if he just lost some weight?” We say that because we don’t CARE about men being intelligent, funny, accomplished or having a great personality. It’s all about the looks for us. Women can’t fall in love with an unattractive man and then grow to […]

Mother I’d Like to Farging Tell Is Doing A Great Job

A gorgeous friend of mine recently had “MILF” yelled at her from a pickup truck window. The fact that a guy would yell that at a beautiful woman did not surprise me as much as some guy who “defended” it by saying, “Its (sic) a compliment to all the mothers out there who work hard […]