Women Who Hate Puppies and the Puppies Who Love Them

This past August, I was forced to get a puppy. A puppy was mandated ( Man Dated!) as an incentive for my daughter to get better. She had to go to the gym and workout daily in order to retrain her heart. It wasn’t easy, but the puppy promise definitely helped and I’m grateful for that. However, puppies suck. And so can you.

I don’t hate ALL puppies. I am a big fan of OTHER PEOPLE’S puppies. They’re so cuuuuuuuuuuuuute! But having your own puppy? I have two words for you: What. The. Fuck.

They are crazy! Have you tried one before? Fucking hell, who invented this shit? Who thought an ever-chewing, hyperactive, small furry thing with limited communication capabilities would be a GOOD IDEA? God? Well, ladies. I think we can now conclude that God is a man.

No woman in her right mind would create something like this. I mean, I’m not a big fan of BABIES either, but at least they don’t CHEW on you. (For the record, I actually love teens, so I think karma-wise, I’m in good shape).

Not only does this puppy chew, but it is a HE puppy, and if you read this blog regularly (bless your heart), you know that my only specification was that we get a female puppy. I will not go into the specific reasons why we got the male, because I cannot talk, write or think about it. So, the puppy and I were already off to a rough start.

What does it mean when you get a male puppy? Well, when you pass people walking their adult, female dogs, you will warn them about your very enthusiastic 5-month old puppy and they will assure you that their FEMALE dog is very friendly and LOVES puppies. Yet, within FIVE SECONDS, that female dog will start GROWLING at your male puppy because she too knows that that this guy IS TOTALLY FUCKING ANNOYING.

I guess if you’re into being humped on your head or having a beast that CAN’T READ THE ROOM, then the male puppy is just right for you. But, those of us with standards truly cannot be bothered.

My children and husband will tell you that I LOVE the puppy and they can tell this by the way I talk to it. Friends — I am not a MONSTER. I’m not going hang out with this pup ALL DAY and be mean to it. SOMETHING must be done to teach it to behave. Bestowing it with approval and praise is just one of the ways to do that. But that does not stop me from waking up every day and thinking, “Shit. The puppy.”

Have other family members taken responsibility for the puppy, as promised? Yes. And am I home most of the day, so it makes the most sense to have me be responsible for the puppy 80% of the time? Sure. But you learn one thing when a small furry beast arrives in your house: you are a MOM and there are things we do that NO ONE ELSE even THINKS to do. And, I suppose, for that reason, I am happy the puppy has pointed that out, because I’ve never considered myself much of a caregiver. But, I’m here to tell you that I *am.* Because I am the only one calling professional dog trainers to come to the house to help with this jackass and his herding instincts.

I think the best thing about having this puppy is that when you take him out for a walk, people will stop to pet him (because he’s soooooooooo cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuute (because HE’S SOMEONE ELSE’S PUPPY)) and the young people who stop you will tell you the story about THEIR Australian Shepherd and how they had to give it away when it was four years old because they were moving abroad and couldn’t take the dog along and how their mom WAS SO HAPPY. Seriously! The story of The Mom Hating the Dog has been told to me MORE THAN ONCE.

We’re a thing! A club! Women Who Hate Puppies and the Puppies Who Love Them. RISE UP, ladies! Here is an just example of what I have to deal with: