Those of you who know me well know that I’ve been bra shopping — on and off — for, like…I don’t know…the last year? Two years? It’s been so long, I’ve lost track.
Over those years I’ve had probably five packages containing 5-bras a piece delivered for in-home fittings. Trying them on at home was actually really nice, although I did miss the elder ladies from Vermont who used to fit me, bring me new sizes while I waited and fussed me until I had the perfect fit. But when you try on bras on in your own home, you can run up and down the stairs to test for hold.
The only thing I can surmise about this online bra company is that it has never actually SEEN a full coverage bra. I don’t GET the demi-cup. I’m buying a BRA, designed to hold, support, and — this is the important part — COVER MY BREASTS! I don’t want them PUSHED UP OUT OF THE BRA. This, friends, is the Victoria-Secreting of America.
The other thing I found funny about this company is that their (albeit, quite helpful) written materials for bra FIT, refer to breasts as SISTERS. What the WHAT? Is this company run by the cast of Sex and the City? Why are my breasts not just referred to as BREASTS??!??
The LAST time I bought bras, I don’t even think the t-shirt bra existed. Oh! You don’t know what a t-shirt bra is? It’s the bra that hides your nipples. I didn’t even know nipples were A PROBLEM. I really don’t care whether my — or your — nipples are visible under a t-shirt. Why? Because I am not an eighth-grade boy. Also, last I checked, nipples are PRETTY MUCH responsible for the human race. They don’t need to be hidden like a concealed weapon, only to be revealed when DANGER lurks.
So, I gave up on the home-delivery from Carrie Bradshaw and headed to my local Kohl’s (buy one, get one half off! 30% off coupon!). First, I prepared by family: I WON’T BE BACK FOR AT LEAST 2 HOURS. After trying on approximately 60 bras (full coverage, softest bra ever, fits you to a tee, size minimizing, lightest bra ever, firm hold, medium hold,…) I found three bras that fit me. Usually I buy three of the exact same bra, because once you find one that fits, you don’t wanna mess around. Unfortunately, a 34DD is no easy task to find at a Big Box Store, and it also seems like manufacturing in China is so inconsistent, that even when I did find two of the same bra in my size, one would fit well and the other wouldn’t. Trust me! I was there!!
When I got to the checkout, the cashier asked it I’d found everything I was looking for. I told her, “Yes, but it took me a LONG TIME to get to here.” What did she say back? “Oh, I HATE hate bra shopping!”
Do you know how often it is recommended that we buy new bras? Every six months. Ha! Hahahaha! HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA! This recommendation CLEARLY comes from the same people who say that if you are having digestive issues, you should keep a FOOD DIARY. Or the people who recommend drinking 8 cups of water every day. Or — better — the doctoring fellow who tells your 10-year-old daughter to IGNORE THE PAIN in her lower abdomen because she has Irritable Bowel Syndrome and there’s a brain-gut connection (true), so ignoring it will make the pain better. I think that doctor may have been responsible for my emotional upbringing.
Anyway, I got home and happily threw away my old bras (I only had two of the three remaining. The third one’s wire came poking out a LONG TIME ago). Those old bras weren’t even good enough for doubling up under my 10-year-old sports bra! (I bought a new sports bra, too). Frankly, I didn’t even know the elastic in a bra could disintegrate like that. And my new bras feel GREAT! I look forward to getting dressed and to exercising. I even got one of those t-shirt bras because it was SO comfortable, so YOU ALL can look forward to THAT!
Have I learned my lesson? Will I shop more frequently for new bras in the name of spending a little money on myself and participating in an act of self care? Um…no. I’m just kinda hoping that hand-washing, rotating the wearing of and proper storage will keep these suckers going for another two — okay, three — years.
OH! And I didn’t even talk about THIS: