stepford wives

The New Not Normal

When you live in a place like Swankenstein long enough, its concentration of wealthy people emulating the 1% begins to pass for “normal.” Well, I’m here to provide us all with with a bit of an adorable reality check. We all (me included!) need to stop thinking that these crazy things are normal, because even a USED, affordably-priced Volvo v50 wagon has incredibly high maintenance costs, and there is NO WAY we can afford to have our own sauna. HAVING ONE’S OWN SAUNA IS NOT NORMAL!! So, let’s all help one another as we confront…

The New Not Normal

  • Having your own sauna
  • Having your own hot tub
  • Having your own sauna, hot tub and pool!
  • Owning a luxury car
  • Owning more than one luxury car
  • Owning a big, black SUV
  • Publicly discussing which big, black SUV to buy
  • Publicly discussing which big, black SUV to buy and being surrounded by hundreds of people with educated opinions on the matter
  • Having a private tennis court
  • Having a private tennis court in a town that has ONE GAGILLION PUBLIC TENNIS COURTS
  • Owning a boat
  • Complaining to a stranger about your struggle to find the right boat
  • Owning a home with more than 5,000 square feet of living space
  • Owning a home with more than 5,000 square feet of living space on the water
  • Hiring a nanny
  • Hiring a live-in nanny
  • Hiring a live-in nanny and referring to her as your “babysitter”
  • Hiring a live-in nanny and referring to her as your “babysitter” and sleeping with her
  • Hiring others to do your yard work
  • Being opposed to illegal immigration and hiring illegal immigrants do your yard work
  • Installing a hedge that costs more than a car
  • Installing fencing that costs more than a car
  • Installing fencing that costs more than a car and having it be so vast that when I walk past it, I refer to it as The Great Wall of Barrington. WHAT THE FOXTROT IS IN THERE?!
  • Buying a home that costs more than 1 million dollars
  • Buying a home that costs more than 1 million dollars and razing it to put up a new home that costs more than 3-5 million dollars
  • Having an outdoor kitchen
  • Having an outdoor kitchen and living room
  • Having an outdoor kitchen and living room with a couch that costs $6,000
  • Owning a second home
  • Owning a second home and then preparing the friends you’ve invited for the weekend about how it’s “not that nice”
  • Referring to a neighborhood where homes cost more than $300,000 as “the ghetto”
  • Joining a pool club
  • Joining a pool club WHEN YOU LIVE IN THE OCEAN STATE
  • Doing Pilates
  • Speaking loudly to your friend at Starbucks about how your daughter is overweight
  • Speaking loudly on your cell phone at Starbucks while you are being waited on and then being impatient with BOTH the Starbucks employee AND the person on the phone who works for you, where you MUST BE A HEART SURGEON, because who else could be so important that they cannot WAIT to talk on their cell phone until they’re DONE ORDERING THEIR FUCKING COFFEE!?!?
  • I’m sorry. Those last two examples were not so much the New Not Normal, but the New Are Douchebags.
  • Being surrounded by fat squirrels
  • Being surrounded by fat robins
  • Being surround by robins that are SO fat, your 10-year old daughter says, “Mom! Look at how fat those robins are! Don’t you think that’s WEIRD?!”

So, formerly NORMAL people living in Not-Normal places, let’s break the cycle! Let’s save the money we THINK we should be spending on something Not Normal, on something COMPLETELY NORMAL, like a home leg waxing kit!

Barrington_River_-_Barrington,_Rhode_Island_

Building a dock that costs more than my home is not normal. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Categories: stepford wives

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6 replies »

  1. I’m going to send you a photo on IM to see if it counts as an outdoor living room. I gotta know. You live in hell.

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