CALL THE DOCTORS SANS FRONTIERS! I had a stomach virus yesterday that was the worst virus I have ever experienced in my entire life (since 8th grade). My whole body ached; I could not move, stand up or roll over without gagging and running to the bathroom for fear of vomitting; my husband was traveling; and my daughter was ALSO sick.
My fevered state had me completely delirious, unable to do anything but pass out on the couch and then come-to just long enough to tell to my 13 year-old son to bring my daughter some pretzels or feed the dog or bring the laundry basket downstairs.
But nothing…NOTHING…will make you feel worse for me than when my husband finally arrived back home and through the nausea of just THINKING about food, I suggested that the unsick males ORDER SOME PIZZA for dinner, but — instead — because I had just spent $300+ on groceries, they decided to make eggs for dinner and that smell literally made me cry — bawl! — and then mutter swear words in the presence of my children (without regret) and then stumble upstairs in a barely coherennt state, strip down to my t-shirt and underwear, bury my nose in my pillow to escape the stench and pass out like I’d just returned from a night in downtown Burlington, Vermont, circa 1988.
I woke up this morning and my fever had broken. I was able to answer two customer emails, one curtly, and then spent the rest of my day feeling like someone had slipped me a MICKY (no one has ever slipped me a micky). All I wanted to do was eat black tea and consume white foods that served as a vehicle for fat and salt.
How I wrote this blog post is anybody’s guess. Oh, the humanity! What an inspiration! All that…
Categories: general humor