You know the drill. Someone says something completely obnoxious to you and anywhere from 24-hours to 10-years later, you realize how mean it was. Then — of course– you finally come up with the perfect comeback. I’m of the belief that the perfect comeback is typically: FUCK YOU! Today I list all the times in the last 48 years, starting in preschool, that I wish I’d said, “Fuck you!”
- When you punched me after I stuck my finger in the box that held the baby chicks you brought in to show our preschool class.
- In second grade, when you said, “I don’t know, CAN YOU?” every time I asked, “Can I go to the bathroom?”
- When I asked, “What are you doing?” and you responded with, “Building a snowman. What does it look like?!”
- When you puffed out your cheeks when I went to get another piece of bread.
- When I got off the school bus and you yelled, “Bye, ugly!”
- When you waited outside my ballet class and called me, “Fatso,” as I left.
- When I was President of my Junior High School and we won Best Student Government in the state of Connecticut, and YOU stood next to the Governor in our formal photo.
- When you wrote a song in high school called, “Big Boobs Bardagy.”
- When you fell asleep during my therapy session.
- When I tried to talk to you at the NRBQ concert and you completely ignored me, EVEN THOUGH I HAD JUST MET YOU.
- When you told me you wished my body looked as good naked as it did in clothing.
- When you told me that I was much better on the phone or in letters than in person.
- When a group of us were having a conversation about religion and you said, “Some people just don’t get it,” AND YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT ME.
- When you said, “I just ignore your Facebook posts because they’re so annoying.”
- When you waved at me, palm up, beckoning me with you four fingers to get you something.
- When you questioned my intentions to support for Hillary for President.
- When you told me that my Ulcerative Colitis was caused by not expressing my anger!
To all of you…