general humor

Someone High Up in the Vegan Movement Is Trying to Kill Me

I cook a lot of vegan meals for my dairy-free and moving towards vegan family members. So please, no angry-ass, pro-vegan comments about this post. Not that I’m afraid of you, since you are probably slightly underweight and also anemic.

But — seriously — what the hotel happened to all those hippie-dippy, Vermont-based, local-health-food-store-shopping, Birkenstocks- ™ -with-socks-wearing, cheese-and-egg-eating, healthy-bodied, good old-fashioned VEGETARIANS?! All we’re left with now is a people who not only won’t KILL a chicken, but who also refuse to gently remove an egg from underneath the ass of a perfectly HAPPY chicken.

vegannoying_morganSpurlock

I would consider eating vegan full-time if Morgan Spurlock’s wife did all the cooking + 24-hour nut soaking.

When I cook vegan, the thing I’m most struck by is how INVOLVED the recipes are (fortheloveofgawd do not email me “simple” vegan recipes). Yesterday I referenced a recipe that referred me to two OTHER recipes, both on different pages. And invariably, these recipes all seem to contain millet/quinoa/nutritional yeast/or turmeric. I like to call this…vegannoying.

I recently asked a couple of waitresses about the ingredients in two delicious vegan foods I had enjoyed. The answers? One food required soaking Brazil nuts for 24 hours and another said to dehydrate pureed/blanched nut flour for over twelve. That is the EPITOME of vegannoying!

As a kid, I was always an adventurous eater, enjoying broccoli with cheese sauce, lima beans, frog legs, mussels, you name it. Now as an adult with Ulcerative Colitis, I use the Specific Carbohydrate Diet (SCD) regimen to manage my symptoms. Unfortunately, the older I got, the more the menopausal hormones raged and the more I had to restrict even the foods on the “legal” SCD list. So, I guess I’m just baffled by anyone who restricts their diet when food doesn’t cause rectal burning, bleeding or spontaneous infections of body parts that only one’s self, spouse, doctor or Hobby Lobby, Inc. care about. [Other qualifying health considerations = passing out OR DEATH.]

I know what you’re thinking, “It’s not just about one’s own health, but about the health of the planet!” I agree! I just don’t think MILLET LOAF is the answer to our world’s problems.

I’ll leave you with this joke my friend Peter, owner of Marczyk’s Fine Foods (sells meat), told me at our 30th high school reunion: How do you know someone’s a vegan? Don’t worry; they’ll tell you within the first 5 minutes of meeting you. ROCK ON, VEGANS! Next up: we discuss the Pale-E-I-E-I-O regimen!

vegannoying_milletloaf

Saving the world one millet loaf at a time.

6 replies »

  1. Love!

    All my life I adhered to some restriction or another (vegan/vegetarian). Now that I HAVE TO (well, I don’t have to but my household has to) be restricted and read every label and figure out the source of everything, I can’t believe I ever self-imposed these strictures. For so many years! It’s like I couldn’t bear the idea ordering from and entire menu or shopping in an entire grocery store.

    I guess HAVING TO be restricted is a RELIEF of sorts, in a twisted way.

    I used to feel such (smug?) kinship with our vegan-vegetarian friends as we ate our loaves of warm crusty bread. Now I need to make grain-free friends. YOU’RE MY ONLY ONE!

  2. i think your eating history is an amazing tale. i know what you mean about the relief, although i mostly experience relief b/c a regimen has rules for your health and you are not forced to KEEP A FOOD JOURNAL to figure out what the hell is wrong.

    and i’m so fucking glad you’re my friend: grain-free or otherwise.

  3. I AM VEGANNOYING!!! but… I don’t try to annoy other people.
    I’ve been substituting millet for half my quinoa recipes because it’s cheap as fuck. I use natch (nutritional yeast) on an almost daily basis and soaking nuts becomes just something I do ahead of time.
    I am annoying. Veganism is annoying if you are trying to do it right. I find as time goes on it just becomes a part of my life in the kitchen. It’s a “given”. I try to learn something new one thing at a time.

    I hate my food restrictions but I also like them. It makes 70% of the grocery store off-limits and gives me 100% excuses to say no every time someone offers me something. But out on a 4 hour ride and needing food? for-fucking-get it.

    I am clicking around… where is the recipe for the millet loaf goddammit? :P

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